If Adam Driver Is in Star Wars, We May Have a Problem

By Matthew Halverson. I am not okay with Adam Driver playing the main villain in the new Star Wars trilogy. You want to know why? Because I don’t want him in my house.

Let’s back up for a second. Adam Driver is a fine actor. No, he’s a great actor. So great, in fact, that I’ll watch Girls and sit through Lena Dunham’s whining and Allison Williams’s self-conscious preening, and Zosia Mamet’s … whatever it is she’s doing (did anybody think of casting her in the new Star Wars?) just to catch a glimpse of his nutburger character. I mean, the guy doesn’t seem to own shirts, has a thing for degrading sex, and sells wire-hanger dreamcatchers on Etsy. He’s not from around here. Honestly, anybody doubting that Driver can pull off the menace necessary to be a baddy in a galaxy far, far away hasn’t been watching closely. I’m convinced he eats kittens on set to get into character.

mace windu
The force is with ME, motherf*cker!

No, my reason for not liking Driver in Star Wars is a lot more juvenile. Like, a lot more juvenile. Okay, here goes: I collect Star Wars action figures. There, I said it. I have for years, and I have three 36-gallon plastic tubs full of three-and-three-quarter–inch poseable Darth Vaders and Luke Skywalkers and Jawas with light-up eyes to prove it. Most of those characters were played by actors who did little else in their careers, so their tiny plastic doppelgangers (yes, they’re still in their packaging, never played with) don’t carry the baggage of a Hollywood resume stuffed with weirdly memorable roles. Sure, I can pretend that my Mace Windu figures yell, “I’ve had it with these motherf*cking Sith in this motherf*cking Jedi temple.” And Han Solo can growl, “I didn’t kill my princess,” or “Get off my Millennium Falcon.” And that’s cool. Okay, “cool” is a relative term here, but I think you get my point.

But if Adam Driver joins the Star Wars universe, they’ll make an action figure of him, and I’ll have to buy it. (Yes, I’ll have to buy it, because I buy them all. It’s a sickness; I’m working on it.) And that’s not good. Because then Adam from Girls will be in my house, tucked away in those plastic tubs, hopefully not too close to my Leia in gold bikini figure, but who knows because I’m starting to run out of room. And then one night, after everyone else is asleep, you just know that the first thing he’ll say to her is, “Crawl on your hands and knees to my sleeping chamber.” And then he’ll unleash his…Force on her. And that should never, ever happen. Not in this galaxy or one far, far away.

Matthew Halverson is a senior editor at Seattle Met magazine and a humor writer. This is the first time he’s ever copped to owning Star Wars action figures. His son is proud.

Image of Adam Driver: Girls, courtesy HBO.

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