Season 4, Episode 4: Oathkeepers
This week a lot of nothing happened in Westeros and yet the show still laid on the horrors thick. We found out who killed Joffrey; Dany continues her shock and awe campaign; everything north of the Wall is mayhem and brutal. But at least we have Ser Pounce!
Totals this episode:
Nudity: too much
New horrors: infanticide, rape (again, HBO?!), seducing a child
Jonathan White: Well, shit just got nuts.
Kadi Hughes: The amount of rape on this show is getting to dangerous levels.
JW: Rape should never be pedestrian.
KH: I didn’t like this episode. Nothing really happened. Brann continued to be lame; Dany is studying up on fascist marketing techniques; Sansa is crying. I know that with every season there are a few of these draggy episodes when the chess pieces line up. I guess this was just one of them. Did you think this was a boring episode?
JW: I liked it because now the books are useless. This just became a TV show and not an adaptation. Those books are useless to me. They might as well be Brann’s legs. Let’s start with Meereen — Missandei is so hot for No Worm.
KH: They were bonding over their homeland. It was a telling scene. Dany thinks she is safe but she is still just a master. I was actually happy for that scene because I find some of her ‘white liberator’ narrative difficult.
JW: #killallmasters. Meereen is not a bother… for now.
KH: The Dany scenes do offset all the other parts of the show where women are being brutalized.
JW: Dany was colder than a Brooklyn creamery. So dot cold dot net.
KH: Her strategy is on point.
JW: Take that, slavers. Meereen gets props for the cleanest sewers ever.
KH: Everyone there is on a cleanse. The citizens of Meereen are avid readers of Goop. Bronn would never do a cleanse. He’s too cool, doling out wisdom and slapping people with their own hands.
JW: Bronn is the big brother that Jamie needed. Jamie also came back from being a raper so well and even Cersei was like … oh, you. Jamie getting slapped in his rape face with his rape hand — no one likes that.
KH: True, but besides getting golden slapped — no repercussions for his rape.
JW: None whatsoever.
KH: Instead, Cersei comes off as bitchy because she’s pissed at her brother who rapped her and now just wants to hang out.
JW: Boycott HBO.
KH: If I boycotted HBO then I would have to engage with people. That would be horrible.
JW: Then we have Karl. What a worse man. He was drinking from Mormont’s skull and arranging rape.
KH: The skull drinking was really gross but it did instantly establish him as a crazy villain.
JW: That, being super Aryan and acting like a looooooooooon.
KH: He has total creeper face. His skin looks like stretched plastic.
JW: He is meant to be from King’s Landing but sounds Northern.
KH: As soon as they get to the Wall, all the recruits go Northern. You know what they say. Once you go Northern…you become a crazy, evil rapist.
JW: Once you take the black, you never go back.
KH: Those twins are screwed. They are both going to be brutalized. The girl because she has curly hair and because it is GoT so something sexually terrible has to happen to all the female characters. The boy because he is pretty and epileptic.
JW: Brann is a shitbag. Brann was my favorite, and now I want him to become a wineskin.
KH: Poor Hodor getting lanced. I teared up that that.
JW: Just remember in real life Hodor is a gay DJ. He’s fine.
KH: I guess it will be satisfying when Jon Snow & the A-Team arrive, unleash those wolves, kill all the rapers.
JW: Snow and the B-Team, at best.
KH: This is really difficult for me to say, but I don’t think that the direwolves are very smart. Ghost is stuck, and Summer is letting Bran the idiot drive him about.
JW: They are very smart but not used to kennels. Kennels make all dogs want a new master and biscuits.
KH: I was glad we found out what exactly happened to the babies. The White Walkers are turning them into Wights, not eating them.
JW: That whole baby shite. FUCK OFF HBO.
KH: Actually, yes fuck off HBO. This episode reached new depths. Let’s just make a list of all the egregious things: lots more rape, drinking out of someone’s skull, having no consequences for raping your sister, seducing children.
JW: Blue eyed cackhandery CGI, wolf bollockry.
KH: Oh, and just some light infanticide.
JW: Moving on. Diana Rigg. Lady Olenna. What a monster. She’s the best player of the GoT.
KH: She hints at her crime to Sansa at the wedding, kills Joffrey with sneaky jewelry, clearly has a magical vagina, and encouraged Margaery to sexually seduce a 10-year-old.
JW: And hates gardens because they are boring. Too much Ser Dontos there, and lemon cakes. The QoT is bored with it all.
KH: It was a good night for Tommen. Snuggled in for bed, hanging with Ser Pounce (noted badass), and then a hot lady comes in to talk about you owning her.
JW: Ser Pounce. We need more of him. It’s the best name for an animal that should not survive ever. He’s the next king — after Tommen is soiled by the ginger sex panther.
KH: Ser Pounce is playing the long con. You would never expect it!
JW: SPOILER ALERT. The cat wins.
KH: What else happened this episode? Nothing. Jon Snow teaches idiots how to die.
JW: Roose Bolton’s chap is made welcome as no one knows anything.
KH: Is Bolton’s man just gathering recon or sent to kill Jon Snow?
JW: I was hoping to kill him but now I think he’s just become one of a number of great double acts on this show: Pod and Brienne, Jamie and Bronn, Bronn and Jamie’s Hand.
KH: Bronn goes with everyone.
JW: Littlefinger is becoming more eeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil…and Irish. Not unrelated.
KH: He is! Every episode he sounds more and more lilting.
JW: Broguery with Littlefinger.
KH: I do think that Littlefinger is — of all the characters — the easiest to deal with. You know what he wants — power — and you know he will do anything to get it. He’s a known quantity.
JW: SEXY LF wins again.
KH: Sexy LF always wins. That is the lesson in this show. The shittiest people win. So Dany, Jon, Tyrion — all these people who are angling in some way for the throne or power, the question is, how shitty can you be?
JW: This episode was like Pearl Jam — what was the point?
KH: There was no point. There was no Arya or the Hound. There was no real movement, but also no real emotional payoff. So what do we want to happen next time?
JW: I want Oberyn and Tywin to talk in Pinteresqe non sequiturs for a menacing 20 minutes. I want Tyrion to get a crack at freeing himself.
KH: GoT needs to scale back the sex & sexual violence because it is losing its efficacy. I am becoming completely desensitized to it.
JW: Craster’s house needs to be burned down.
KH: We’ll probably get to the Eyrie next week for maybe a Stark reunion and some gratuitous breastfeeding. I want some convergence of the different storylines. It’s sad Olenna Tyrell is leaving King’s Landing. It would have been great if she was on the throne.
JW: QoT to rule them all but not sex them first — no matter “how good” at it she is. She is a liar and a boss. But what else will happen? After all the wtf this week, who knows. We need Clarissa to come and explain it all.
Tune in next week for more musings on the latest episode of Game of Thrones. The show airs Sunday nights at 9 on HBO.
Image of courtesy HBO.