‘Game of Thrones:’ Joey Court

Season 4, Episode 6: The Laws of Gods and Men

This week, Dany learns how to rule (and that people don’t like colonizers); we learned accounting with the bankers of Bravos and hot tub jokes with its pirates; some more gross stuff happened with the unending Reek storyline. But most importantly, Law & Order came to Westeros and we got the trial we’ve always wanted. The episode (perhaps the series?) belongs to Dinklage. Bring on the Trial by Combat!!

Totals this episode:
Deaths: a herd of sheep
Nudity: 0
New horrors: Bathtub time with Reek.

Jonathan White: I knew there was a dragon coming so that was exciting.

Kadi Hughes: You felt it in your waters?

JW:  The only time that there are sheep,  there will be dragons. I was not disappointed, apart from my CGI disappointment, which was inevitable.

KH: HBO should just make a real dragon. It would be cheaper in the long run to just genetically engineer one.

JW: HBO can spring for that shit. HBO has more money than most Gods.

KH: So we got some roasted sheep. Dany was  getting a but smug with her ruling then bam! hubris bringing her down to the level of being a colonizing whitie.

JW: She was then made sad by the lad with the annoying voice and animal teeth.

KH: Ruling is kind of boring.

JW: So much paperwork and sitting holding court. We found out that Jorah was a snitch but now he love the bitch. (I have been watching a lot of rap battles). Dany is not a bitch – but she has some mad brows.

KH: The women of this world have excellent brow game: her, Cersei, Arya. Cersei is the undisputed brow master. Dany still has a lot to learn. Your boy Oberyn was in fine form this week. I very much enjoyed his convo with Varys: “what do you mean you don’t like boys or girls?” His hedonistic head was about to implode with incredulity.  His whole world view destroyed by an asexual spider.

JW: Oberyn was outraged. He will put it in a poem to recite on his scooter as he goes for tapas. Mace Tyrell sounds like a right plum. Dullest man ever but his wife must be mad hot like his ma was. Shit skipped a generation as his kids are not dull either.

KH: Mace Tyrell is either a simpleton or playing one.

JW: A dull simpleton.

KH: He actually looks like a burnt potato. Doesn’t really have a lot going for him, does he? Speaking of food people, ONION KNIGHT. Dominating the Iron Bank with his hand nubbins. However by the third time he was shoving his stumps in Mycroft Holmes’ face, it was a bit much. Simmer down man! I think HBO should take the budget they are spending on appendages and put that into dragon engineering.

JW: Davos did don the ducat dickheads. Banks are not cool. Onion should have wacked a stocking over his head and ganked them. But he is a smuggler and not a pirate, as he always says.

KH: Pirates are hot tubbing with prostitutes.

JW: Who is trimming the GoT mound hair? That seems unrealistic – unless Reek does it all. They seem to cast the merkins asunder. A door to a room, on which is written here lie the merkins.

KH: Maybe the women of Westeros are not as hirsute as other places?

JW: There just seems to be a modern aversion to hair.

KH: It is an American show. This isn’t France! I would like to spend more time in Bravos. I like how orderly it is – they definitely are very comfortable with Excel.

JW: They know all of the calculator tricks.

KH: Like writing ‘BOOBS’?

JW: BOOBLESS, also BOOBIES.

KH: And HELLO and BOOBLESS HELL.

JW: Stage one of Iron Bank interview passed. BOOBLESS HELL is stage two.

KH: That is a realm of lesbians who have had top surgery and are really into calculators.

JW: GRRM might use that but it would be an abacus. Go to Hollywood and find a hot tub. He will be there, not finishing the books. But on to other things…

KH: I am not discussing the Reek storyline. So far as I am concerned, it does not exist. I am wasting no more time or mental space on him. I am now fast-forwarding through his scenes.

JW: Ramsay is a truly bad egg. I would like him to be a curate’s egg and create a ‘Guide to Abuse’ for people who have always wanted to know how. He is a dog owner so I guess that is something. That whole bathing Reek thing was a bit much.

KH: Boo hiss. No one cares. Die. Iron Island you suck. No one cares about paying the Iron Price. We all just use our phones now. Get with the times. Plus they always seem damp. GET A TOWEL.

JW: They should get a hairdryer and a cup of soup and a dressing gown with a hood.

KH: Let’s get to the trial!

JW: Kangaroo court for a dwarf … is that a joey court?

KH: Booooo. It was fitting that the main question judge Oberynn asked was for Shae to describe sexing Tyrion.

JW: “Tell me about what you did sex-wise?” A good judge, I would happily be judged by him.

KH: He is the Judge Judy of sex acts. Harsh, but fair.

JW: Judge Philip Banks. Littlefinger’s plan worked swimmingly. Ser Playdoh was found with the smoking gun.

KH: Ser Dontos and Mace Tyrell were hatched from similar eggs.

JW: Maester had quite the poison cupboard there. He should have locked that.

KH: I am still traumatized from seeing his naked body a few seasons ago.

JW: That was horrible. He’s like Terry Richardson or the cat from American Apparel – but older and more sleazy.

KH: Plus people who just wear robes are nasty. You know they don’t wear underwear and so it is like a flapping mess.

JW: Robes seem impractical in so many ways and you can’t do the Will Smith knee tug when you sit down. I am hoping for as many life lessons from GoT as I got from Fresh Prince of Bell Air. So far:
1. robes suck
2. sex kills you
3. Irish people are dangerous

KH: Those are actually the lessons of Catholicism.

JW: Fair point.

KH: During the testimony I do like how it turned into a greatest hits of Tyrion burns. Turns out, Shae is an asshole. It feels like she was testifying out of spite.

JW: Shae is a prolapsed arsehole. I hate her face and her words. I do hope that she has a comeuppance coming up.

KH: I’m sure something terrible will happen very soon. “My Lion.” Poor Tyrion.

JW: Poor half-face halfman. Tywin  played Jamie, hard. The one-handed dolt.

KH: Jamie is pretty but not very bright. What’s the deal with big Momma Lannister? Was she Tywin’s sister or something? The Lannister children all have a touch of the inbred about them.

JW: Good looking kids. Best looking dwarf on TV for starters.

KH: Only dwarf on tv? Dinklage is handsome, regardless of stature.

JW: He was incredible. The acting of the year. Wowsers.

KH: Wowsers, indeed. There are a few GoT scenes that I like to rewatch to get pumped up. From last season, when Dany unleashes the dragons on the slavers. This might be my new go-to.

JW: YouTube mixtape.

KH: “I should have let you all burn.” Watch before going o a stressful social event or high school reunion. The whole scene is so great because up until now Tyrion has been playing by everyone’s rules and doing all this shit to fit in. But now, BAM! Unleash the Kraken.

JW: He just defied his father hard.

KH: His father is terrible. Onion Nubs brought up a good point with the Iron Bank. When Tywin dies, so does Lannister power. GoT does not reward noble or honorable people, but it does reward smart people. New GoT lesson.

JW: Tyrion just pulled a power move. Dominoes, motherfucker. He flipped King’s Landing on its head. Tyrion is the only Lannister child with any real power.

KH: I’m glad he did. He’s been pouting too much this season. Now we have some real flash, gangster moves from him. I love that they let him rant and then I also loved the reaction shots of everyone in the gallery. Jamie the Rapist looking worried, Cersei looking pissed, Gingersnaps looking aghast. Tommen is in the backroom, playing yarn with Ser Pounce. Oberyn is probably just aroused.

JW: Oberyn sat there like he is on the top deck of the bus, stimulated. They have paced these episodes expertly. Very little seems to be wasted now which might just reflect that they have edited the books.

KH: I thought this was one of the best paced episodes – with the exception of Reek. From here on out with this season there will be no fat. Just meat, delicious, angry, dueling meat.

JW: A trial by combat is quite the reason to tune in but that’s not how T-dog plays the game.

KH: I need a primer on the Westeros justice system. Who does he fight? Do the judges choose someone? Who can be his champion?

JW: They nominate a champion. The champions have to accept though they may offer out of some misplaced sense of honour –  a la the Eyrie and the lad Bronn killed. But we know where honour gets folk.

KH: Killed by Bronn. This is one of my favorite games: who would win in a fight? I usually play with animals but using GoT characters is as good.

JW: A bear or a maiden fair?

KH: Bear. Bear always wins.

JW: Shae should fight a bear.

KH: She can only fight with her genitals, which no one wants to see – except Oberyn.

JW: He is only courteous. It is rude not to in Dorne.

KH: He does have impeccable manners.

JW: He is a genitalman in these matters. What a genit, they often comment.

KH: All recaps lead to Oberyn and genitals.

JW: It’s like internet forums and Hitler. There are rules to the internet as there are to the Game of Thrones.

KH: If you were Tyrion, who would you choose to fight?

JW: Tommen or the bag of snot from the Eyrie little lord sucklingteat. You?

KH: Tommen is a GREAT choice, very tricksy. Can I choose an animal to fight for me? If so, a dragon. Otherwise Hodor. Ideally Hodor on a dragon.

JW: I want an arm wrestle between Onion Nubs and Jamie One Hand. Stubs vs Stump. King Robert would have had a gamble on that.

KH: Pre-fight: Stubs v Stump, Bronn v Oberyn (in bedroom matters). Title bout – Tyrion on a Direwolf v. everyone.

JW: Tyrion and all the direwolves like a Wutang Voltron.

KH: That’s more like it.

Tune in next week for more musings on the latest episode of Game of Thrones. The show airs Sunday nights at 9 on HBO.

Image courtesy of HBO.

‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: They Hurt Little Girls Everywhere

Season 4, Episode 5: First of His Name

We have a new king on the throne — all hail baby Tommen! In addition to the coronation, we saw uneasy alliances being solidified, Dornish wild cards finding the muse, and the big reveal that Littlefinger is the puppet master of all. This week, we speculate about the lessons our favorite odd couples are trying to teach us, debate who’s going through the Moon Door, and make some excellent product placement suggestions.

Totals this episode:
Deaths: 14
Nudity: none (wait, really?)
New horrors: stabbing someone through the back of the head and out the throat; not liking sweets

Jonathan White: More madness, nuff madness.

Kadi Hughes: GoT was on top form this week. Oberyn in a pretty dress writing poetry! Hodor the human tank! Ghost attack! Littlefinger being the best.

JW: This week was much better than last but it might have been the amount of fire.

KH: More fire. Always more fire.

JW: FIRE and VIOLENCE and not even a dragon. Way to make me not care about dragons. Let me say this. I think Cersei’s face is going to be GIFd up this week. Her reaction to something Margaery said was “bitch, please” but she had to quell it.

KH: With a deep inhale and eyebrow arch. Cersei had a great episode. She’s becoming a very sympathetic character and made some strong power play moves this week.

JW: She had a rare admission of truth.

KH: She tells the truth a lot in this episode but it’s all tricks! She’s ensnaring them!

JW: Her eyebrow arch was up there with Dany’s face for “I love it when a man kills many men to take me some boats. That’s dreamy.”

KH: With her strange little giggle? That was…odd.

JW: This episode had strong acting from the women all round.

KH: The ladies dominated this one. I am now including Bran as a lady due to his hair.

JW: Fair. His hair and his desire to be carried like an aristocratic lady in the olden days.

KH: Bran kind of looks like a strange hybrid of Emily Mortimer and Steve Coogan. His hair is becoming really distracting.

JW: Who could cut it? Who cuts everyone else’s? Do wargs have faster hair growing?

KH: Hodor could do it. He cut those ropes, he could handle a bang trim.

JW: Hodor is not cutting his hair. Nuh-uh. He’d tear his head off. I thought that was a great resolution to a storyline that came out of nowhere — the Bran/Jojen/Meera diversion. Jojen rocked some invisible fire and BOOM there’s the direwolves.

KH: I teared up at the Jon Snow-Ghost reunion. “I missed you Ghost!” WE ALL DID. Plus, Ghost killed Fats McGee the rapist! Well done, Ghost, well done.

JW: Sit Ubu, sit. Good dog. I really liked it too, especially as he got to eat a man for no other reason than they could make him. Ghost is an actual topwolf, nothing dire about him. Lady, on the other hand, was dire.

KH: Before we leave the rape village, we need to discuss Carl — skull — sword.

JW: Unnecessary roughness. One of the poor rapewives should have shouted — that’s a skullfucking.

KH: Obviously it was satisfying to see him die — and to have it foretold by Love Actually — but that was mental. I think that they have a list of horrors in the GoT writers’ room and every week they make sure they cross a new one off.

JW: They may well do, like the room in The Cabin In The Woods.

KH: “How about baby slaughter”? ” “Did it!” “Violent rape? “Did it, tons.” “Skullfucking?” “Perfect!”

JW: “Steve, I told you to cross off terror rape.”
“Sorry, boss. We’ve used it again. My bad. How about a ton of fire?”
“Steve, we’re going to have to put you through the Moon Door!”

KH: The Moon Door with Uncle Peter. What a clever little minx. He’s the mastermind behind everything. “Know your strengths” and if your strength is to be a conniving ferret, you can rule the kingdom!

JW: Littlefinger just makes people do shit. Just to see. He also wanders around like an evil dandy and brought the best out of Sansa.

KH: Sansa is getting more and more interesting.

JW: She will become more so. But her aunt needs to go. She is horrendous. She’s like a sexed up version of Radio 4’s The Archers. I hate her voice. It sounds like someone acting and then she switches on Sansa. She thinks Littlefinger is boss, she killed her fella and still suckles the simpering sap at her teat. Kill her.

KH: Terrible. “You’ll hear me screaming across the Narrow Sea.” Pull it together, woman! I’m just thankful we didn’t have to see it. She has no redeeming qualities. She doesn’t even like sweets!

JW: None at all.

KH: You can’t trust a person who doesn’t like sweets. Someone HAS to go via the Moon Door. They’ve been teasing that thing for seasons now. Maybe Lysa will jump, heartbroken by Littlefinger.

JW: I think someone will come in via the Moon Door.

KH: Oberyn. He is also into rock climbing.

JW: That is my hope. He loves some Moon Door action.

KH: He doesn’t have hang-ups about doors — moon, sun, cellar. They are all just portals to human connection.

JW: And poetry.

KH: Oberyn writing poetry. AMAZING. He is becoming a real Spanish stereotype.

JW: He is. He will soon be going into bars with his own beer and wearing red trainers and going on a moped with some pals. He is great.

KH: He’s sending poems to his daughter? What is that nonsense?

JW: His daughter is great, there will be more of her to come.

KH: It was a strategic yet touching scene with Cersei and Oberyn. She’s playing them all so well and is becoming, dare I say, likeable?

JW: She has turned the corner.

KH: And so now she is going to die.

JW: She still is not into Margaery calling her “mummy.” Tommen just needs to keep his head down and enjoy some nighttime visits from that ginger.

KH: As long as Ser Pounce approves, but I think a tin of tuna and some cuddles should win his favor.

JW: Tommen may have actually won the Game of Thrones.

KH: Just by being a sweet, inbred towhead.

JW: Tywin has the best voice. Only he could be heard as an individual at the coronation.

KH: I would love to have him record things for me, like my alarm demanding I arise. I would be so shamed if I didn’t.

JW: He could record shopping lists and things. “Get kale, you lecherous stump.” Oberyn should recite a poem to Tywin, of his desire to lay with him because of his impeccable outfits and ethics…but not finances.

KH: The Lannisters need to start using QuickBooks or something.

JW: A simple Excel sheet.

KH: It would be great if they worked in some product placement for Microsoft Office next episode. The Lannisters using Excel; Jon Snow using PowerPoint to make a presentation to the Night’s Watch.

JW:  Oberyn writing poetry on Word.

KH: Someone using MS Paint, and just openly weeping.

JW: Having had a look at the Blood Gate, it seemed that you could get up and go over.

KH: You mean the world’s smallest gate in a tiny hill? Maybe they were just making a point — everything that Littlefinger says is a lie. Hashtag dramaqueen.

JW: Point proved that being sexy LF gets you in. I think Robin will pay for lashing the gift out of the always-open Moon Door. Shut the Moon Door! It’s dangerous.

KH: That kid is a spoiled shit. Throwing that magical bird through the Moon Door. UNLESS THAT IS WHAT LITTLEFINGER WANTED.

JW: It was probably poison.

KH: People play pretty fast and loose with poison in this world.

JW: There should be a right-wing newspaper in there decrying the amount of poison on our streets, the posion epidemic sweeping the nation.

KH: Do you think the normal in Westeros care about any of this nonsense and upheaval happening?

JW: They care about the next bowl of brown.

KH: If I was a normal I would not be pleased with everything running amok. I think we need some peasant uprisings — bowls of brown overturned, pitchforks, some classic Russian revolts.

JW: They need a leader. Dany loves her some serfs, maybe she can lead the revolt.

KH: She does but her whole campaign turning into a real Occupy Wall Street moment.

JW: A tiresome protest made for Vice photo shoots?

KH: A lot of people amped up about injustice, lots of big moves in the beginning and then….no one really knows anything and then they all get pepper sprayed.

JW: Yeah but everyone is a bit too good looking. Real humans are uglier.

KH: We learned a lot of lessons this week. Podrick taught us all a valuable lesson this week: rabbit skins burn.

JW: Also the lesson that you must have killed someone to impress a big lady knight but then you can undress her, even if you ruin a romantic dinner.

KH: When he paused in telling Brienne his accomplishments, I thought he might mention the whorehouse shenanigans. I am glad he did not.

JW: I also get freebies because I am the best at the whorehouse.

KH: Podrick skills: pouring wine, spearing dudes through the back of the head, whoring. This is also Oberyn’s skill set. There is a lot of stabbing people clear through the head from behind on this show.

JW: A coward’s move? The Hound would approve. He likes Arya but his messages are tinged with an inability to do anything but slap.

KH: Arya had some fancy footwork! I forgot how her Italian fencing pal died; obviously she has not. Once she combines all of these skills — fancy dancing, The Hound’s ruthlessness — she’s be unstoppable. The Hound loves teaching lessons to children but his methods are being ironed out.

JW: The Hound is not Education Board approved.

KH: The Hound is like a really discount ‘scared straight’ program. You have a punk kid? This giant lunatic with terrifying facial scars will wander around the countryside with them and teach them life lessons.

JW: I felt that Brienne had a lesson for Podger but as she did not slap anyone I did not know it was a GoT lesson.

KH: What was her lesson?

JW: Skin the rabbit. Make sure you killed someone. That seemed about it.

KH: They didn’t seem that worried about the rabbit, to be honest. Maybe she is a sweets person?

JW: Then she is okay — unless it is cupcakes.

KH: Cupcakes are trash. Be a real piece of cake!

JW: Brienne is better than that.

KH: We all are, Jonny. We all are.

Tune in next week for more musings on the latest episode of Game of Thrones. The show airs Sunday nights at 9 on HBO.

Image courtesy of HBO.