‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: They Hurt Little Girls Everywhere

Season 4, Episode 5: First of His Name

We have a new king on the throne — all hail baby Tommen! In addition to the coronation, we saw uneasy alliances being solidified, Dornish wild cards finding the muse, and the big reveal that Littlefinger is the puppet master of all. This week, we speculate about the lessons our favorite odd couples are trying to teach us, debate who’s going through the Moon Door, and make some excellent product placement suggestions.

Totals this episode:
Deaths: 14
Nudity: none (wait, really?)
New horrors: stabbing someone through the back of the head and out the throat; not liking sweets

Jonathan White: More madness, nuff madness.

Kadi Hughes: GoT was on top form this week. Oberyn in a pretty dress writing poetry! Hodor the human tank! Ghost attack! Littlefinger being the best.

JW: This week was much better than last but it might have been the amount of fire.

KH: More fire. Always more fire.

JW: FIRE and VIOLENCE and not even a dragon. Way to make me not care about dragons. Let me say this. I think Cersei’s face is going to be GIFd up this week. Her reaction to something Margaery said was “bitch, please” but she had to quell it.

KH: With a deep inhale and eyebrow arch. Cersei had a great episode. She’s becoming a very sympathetic character and made some strong power play moves this week.

JW: She had a rare admission of truth.

KH: She tells the truth a lot in this episode but it’s all tricks! She’s ensnaring them!

JW: Her eyebrow arch was up there with Dany’s face for “I love it when a man kills many men to take me some boats. That’s dreamy.”

KH: With her strange little giggle? That was…odd.

JW: This episode had strong acting from the women all round.

KH: The ladies dominated this one. I am now including Bran as a lady due to his hair.

JW: Fair. His hair and his desire to be carried like an aristocratic lady in the olden days.

KH: Bran kind of looks like a strange hybrid of Emily Mortimer and Steve Coogan. His hair is becoming really distracting.

JW: Who could cut it? Who cuts everyone else’s? Do wargs have faster hair growing?

KH: Hodor could do it. He cut those ropes, he could handle a bang trim.

JW: Hodor is not cutting his hair. Nuh-uh. He’d tear his head off. I thought that was a great resolution to a storyline that came out of nowhere — the Bran/Jojen/Meera diversion. Jojen rocked some invisible fire and BOOM there’s the direwolves.

KH: I teared up at the Jon Snow-Ghost reunion. “I missed you Ghost!” WE ALL DID. Plus, Ghost killed Fats McGee the rapist! Well done, Ghost, well done.

JW: Sit Ubu, sit. Good dog. I really liked it too, especially as he got to eat a man for no other reason than they could make him. Ghost is an actual topwolf, nothing dire about him. Lady, on the other hand, was dire.

KH: Before we leave the rape village, we need to discuss Carl — skull — sword.

JW: Unnecessary roughness. One of the poor rapewives should have shouted — that’s a skullfucking.

KH: Obviously it was satisfying to see him die — and to have it foretold by Love Actually — but that was mental. I think that they have a list of horrors in the GoT writers’ room and every week they make sure they cross a new one off.

JW: They may well do, like the room in The Cabin In The Woods.

KH: “How about baby slaughter”? ” “Did it!” “Violent rape? “Did it, tons.” “Skullfucking?” “Perfect!”

JW: “Steve, I told you to cross off terror rape.”
“Sorry, boss. We’ve used it again. My bad. How about a ton of fire?”
“Steve, we’re going to have to put you through the Moon Door!”

KH: The Moon Door with Uncle Peter. What a clever little minx. He’s the mastermind behind everything. “Know your strengths” and if your strength is to be a conniving ferret, you can rule the kingdom!

JW: Littlefinger just makes people do shit. Just to see. He also wanders around like an evil dandy and brought the best out of Sansa.

KH: Sansa is getting more and more interesting.

JW: She will become more so. But her aunt needs to go. She is horrendous. She’s like a sexed up version of Radio 4’s The Archers. I hate her voice. It sounds like someone acting and then she switches on Sansa. She thinks Littlefinger is boss, she killed her fella and still suckles the simpering sap at her teat. Kill her.

KH: Terrible. “You’ll hear me screaming across the Narrow Sea.” Pull it together, woman! I’m just thankful we didn’t have to see it. She has no redeeming qualities. She doesn’t even like sweets!

JW: None at all.

KH: You can’t trust a person who doesn’t like sweets. Someone HAS to go via the Moon Door. They’ve been teasing that thing for seasons now. Maybe Lysa will jump, heartbroken by Littlefinger.

JW: I think someone will come in via the Moon Door.

KH: Oberyn. He is also into rock climbing.

JW: That is my hope. He loves some Moon Door action.

KH: He doesn’t have hang-ups about doors — moon, sun, cellar. They are all just portals to human connection.

JW: And poetry.

KH: Oberyn writing poetry. AMAZING. He is becoming a real Spanish stereotype.

JW: He is. He will soon be going into bars with his own beer and wearing red trainers and going on a moped with some pals. He is great.

KH: He’s sending poems to his daughter? What is that nonsense?

JW: His daughter is great, there will be more of her to come.

KH: It was a strategic yet touching scene with Cersei and Oberyn. She’s playing them all so well and is becoming, dare I say, likeable?

JW: She has turned the corner.

KH: And so now she is going to die.

JW: She still is not into Margaery calling her “mummy.” Tommen just needs to keep his head down and enjoy some nighttime visits from that ginger.

KH: As long as Ser Pounce approves, but I think a tin of tuna and some cuddles should win his favor.

JW: Tommen may have actually won the Game of Thrones.

KH: Just by being a sweet, inbred towhead.

JW: Tywin has the best voice. Only he could be heard as an individual at the coronation.

KH: I would love to have him record things for me, like my alarm demanding I arise. I would be so shamed if I didn’t.

JW: He could record shopping lists and things. “Get kale, you lecherous stump.” Oberyn should recite a poem to Tywin, of his desire to lay with him because of his impeccable outfits and ethics…but not finances.

KH: The Lannisters need to start using QuickBooks or something.

JW: A simple Excel sheet.

KH: It would be great if they worked in some product placement for Microsoft Office next episode. The Lannisters using Excel; Jon Snow using PowerPoint to make a presentation to the Night’s Watch.

JW:  Oberyn writing poetry on Word.

KH: Someone using MS Paint, and just openly weeping.

JW: Having had a look at the Blood Gate, it seemed that you could get up and go over.

KH: You mean the world’s smallest gate in a tiny hill? Maybe they were just making a point — everything that Littlefinger says is a lie. Hashtag dramaqueen.

JW: Point proved that being sexy LF gets you in. I think Robin will pay for lashing the gift out of the always-open Moon Door. Shut the Moon Door! It’s dangerous.

KH: That kid is a spoiled shit. Throwing that magical bird through the Moon Door. UNLESS THAT IS WHAT LITTLEFINGER WANTED.

JW: It was probably poison.

KH: People play pretty fast and loose with poison in this world.

JW: There should be a right-wing newspaper in there decrying the amount of poison on our streets, the posion epidemic sweeping the nation.

KH: Do you think the normal in Westeros care about any of this nonsense and upheaval happening?

JW: They care about the next bowl of brown.

KH: If I was a normal I would not be pleased with everything running amok. I think we need some peasant uprisings — bowls of brown overturned, pitchforks, some classic Russian revolts.

JW: They need a leader. Dany loves her some serfs, maybe she can lead the revolt.

KH: She does but her whole campaign turning into a real Occupy Wall Street moment.

JW: A tiresome protest made for Vice photo shoots?

KH: A lot of people amped up about injustice, lots of big moves in the beginning and then….no one really knows anything and then they all get pepper sprayed.

JW: Yeah but everyone is a bit too good looking. Real humans are uglier.

KH: We learned a lot of lessons this week. Podrick taught us all a valuable lesson this week: rabbit skins burn.

JW: Also the lesson that you must have killed someone to impress a big lady knight but then you can undress her, even if you ruin a romantic dinner.

KH: When he paused in telling Brienne his accomplishments, I thought he might mention the whorehouse shenanigans. I am glad he did not.

JW: I also get freebies because I am the best at the whorehouse.

KH: Podrick skills: pouring wine, spearing dudes through the back of the head, whoring. This is also Oberyn’s skill set. There is a lot of stabbing people clear through the head from behind on this show.

JW: A coward’s move? The Hound would approve. He likes Arya but his messages are tinged with an inability to do anything but slap.

KH: Arya had some fancy footwork! I forgot how her Italian fencing pal died; obviously she has not. Once she combines all of these skills — fancy dancing, The Hound’s ruthlessness — she’s be unstoppable. The Hound loves teaching lessons to children but his methods are being ironed out.

JW: The Hound is not Education Board approved.

KH: The Hound is like a really discount ‘scared straight’ program. You have a punk kid? This giant lunatic with terrifying facial scars will wander around the countryside with them and teach them life lessons.

JW: I felt that Brienne had a lesson for Podger but as she did not slap anyone I did not know it was a GoT lesson.

KH: What was her lesson?

JW: Skin the rabbit. Make sure you killed someone. That seemed about it.

KH: They didn’t seem that worried about the rabbit, to be honest. Maybe she is a sweets person?

JW: Then she is okay — unless it is cupcakes.

KH: Cupcakes are trash. Be a real piece of cake!

JW: Brienne is better than that.

KH: We all are, Jonny. We all are.

Tune in next week for more musings on the latest episode of Game of Thrones. The show airs Sunday nights at 9 on HBO.

Image courtesy of HBO.

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