‘Game of Thrones:’ Joey Court

Season 4, Episode 6: The Laws of Gods and Men

This week, Dany learns how to rule (and that people don’t like colonizers); we learned accounting with the bankers of Bravos and hot tub jokes with its pirates; some more gross stuff happened with the unending Reek storyline. But most importantly, Law & Order came to Westeros and we got the trial we’ve always wanted. The episode (perhaps the series?) belongs to Dinklage. Bring on the Trial by Combat!!

Totals this episode:
Deaths: a herd of sheep
Nudity: 0
New horrors: Bathtub time with Reek.

Jonathan White: I knew there was a dragon coming so that was exciting.

Kadi Hughes: You felt it in your waters?

JW:  The only time that there are sheep,  there will be dragons. I was not disappointed, apart from my CGI disappointment, which was inevitable.

KH: HBO should just make a real dragon. It would be cheaper in the long run to just genetically engineer one.

JW: HBO can spring for that shit. HBO has more money than most Gods.

KH: So we got some roasted sheep. Dany was  getting a but smug with her ruling then bam! hubris bringing her down to the level of being a colonizing whitie.

JW: She was then made sad by the lad with the annoying voice and animal teeth.

KH: Ruling is kind of boring.

JW: So much paperwork and sitting holding court. We found out that Jorah was a snitch but now he love the bitch. (I have been watching a lot of rap battles). Dany is not a bitch – but she has some mad brows.

KH: The women of this world have excellent brow game: her, Cersei, Arya. Cersei is the undisputed brow master. Dany still has a lot to learn. Your boy Oberyn was in fine form this week. I very much enjoyed his convo with Varys: “what do you mean you don’t like boys or girls?” His hedonistic head was about to implode with incredulity.  His whole world view destroyed by an asexual spider.

JW: Oberyn was outraged. He will put it in a poem to recite on his scooter as he goes for tapas. Mace Tyrell sounds like a right plum. Dullest man ever but his wife must be mad hot like his ma was. Shit skipped a generation as his kids are not dull either.

KH: Mace Tyrell is either a simpleton or playing one.

JW: A dull simpleton.

KH: He actually looks like a burnt potato. Doesn’t really have a lot going for him, does he? Speaking of food people, ONION KNIGHT. Dominating the Iron Bank with his hand nubbins. However by the third time he was shoving his stumps in Mycroft Holmes’ face, it was a bit much. Simmer down man! I think HBO should take the budget they are spending on appendages and put that into dragon engineering.

JW: Davos did don the ducat dickheads. Banks are not cool. Onion should have wacked a stocking over his head and ganked them. But he is a smuggler and not a pirate, as he always says.

KH: Pirates are hot tubbing with prostitutes.

JW: Who is trimming the GoT mound hair? That seems unrealistic – unless Reek does it all. They seem to cast the merkins asunder. A door to a room, on which is written here lie the merkins.

KH: Maybe the women of Westeros are not as hirsute as other places?

JW: There just seems to be a modern aversion to hair.

KH: It is an American show. This isn’t France! I would like to spend more time in Bravos. I like how orderly it is – they definitely are very comfortable with Excel.

JW: They know all of the calculator tricks.

KH: Like writing ‘BOOBS’?

JW: BOOBLESS, also BOOBIES.

KH: And HELLO and BOOBLESS HELL.

JW: Stage one of Iron Bank interview passed. BOOBLESS HELL is stage two.

KH: That is a realm of lesbians who have had top surgery and are really into calculators.

JW: GRRM might use that but it would be an abacus. Go to Hollywood and find a hot tub. He will be there, not finishing the books. But on to other things…

KH: I am not discussing the Reek storyline. So far as I am concerned, it does not exist. I am wasting no more time or mental space on him. I am now fast-forwarding through his scenes.

JW: Ramsay is a truly bad egg. I would like him to be a curate’s egg and create a ‘Guide to Abuse’ for people who have always wanted to know how. He is a dog owner so I guess that is something. That whole bathing Reek thing was a bit much.

KH: Boo hiss. No one cares. Die. Iron Island you suck. No one cares about paying the Iron Price. We all just use our phones now. Get with the times. Plus they always seem damp. GET A TOWEL.

JW: They should get a hairdryer and a cup of soup and a dressing gown with a hood.

KH: Let’s get to the trial!

JW: Kangaroo court for a dwarf … is that a joey court?

KH: Booooo. It was fitting that the main question judge Oberynn asked was for Shae to describe sexing Tyrion.

JW: “Tell me about what you did sex-wise?” A good judge, I would happily be judged by him.

KH: He is the Judge Judy of sex acts. Harsh, but fair.

JW: Judge Philip Banks. Littlefinger’s plan worked swimmingly. Ser Playdoh was found with the smoking gun.

KH: Ser Dontos and Mace Tyrell were hatched from similar eggs.

JW: Maester had quite the poison cupboard there. He should have locked that.

KH: I am still traumatized from seeing his naked body a few seasons ago.

JW: That was horrible. He’s like Terry Richardson or the cat from American Apparel – but older and more sleazy.

KH: Plus people who just wear robes are nasty. You know they don’t wear underwear and so it is like a flapping mess.

JW: Robes seem impractical in so many ways and you can’t do the Will Smith knee tug when you sit down. I am hoping for as many life lessons from GoT as I got from Fresh Prince of Bell Air. So far:
1. robes suck
2. sex kills you
3. Irish people are dangerous

KH: Those are actually the lessons of Catholicism.

JW: Fair point.

KH: During the testimony I do like how it turned into a greatest hits of Tyrion burns. Turns out, Shae is an asshole. It feels like she was testifying out of spite.

JW: Shae is a prolapsed arsehole. I hate her face and her words. I do hope that she has a comeuppance coming up.

KH: I’m sure something terrible will happen very soon. “My Lion.” Poor Tyrion.

JW: Poor half-face halfman. Tywin  played Jamie, hard. The one-handed dolt.

KH: Jamie is pretty but not very bright. What’s the deal with big Momma Lannister? Was she Tywin’s sister or something? The Lannister children all have a touch of the inbred about them.

JW: Good looking kids. Best looking dwarf on TV for starters.

KH: Only dwarf on tv? Dinklage is handsome, regardless of stature.

JW: He was incredible. The acting of the year. Wowsers.

KH: Wowsers, indeed. There are a few GoT scenes that I like to rewatch to get pumped up. From last season, when Dany unleashes the dragons on the slavers. This might be my new go-to.

JW: YouTube mixtape.

KH: “I should have let you all burn.” Watch before going o a stressful social event or high school reunion. The whole scene is so great because up until now Tyrion has been playing by everyone’s rules and doing all this shit to fit in. But now, BAM! Unleash the Kraken.

JW: He just defied his father hard.

KH: His father is terrible. Onion Nubs brought up a good point with the Iron Bank. When Tywin dies, so does Lannister power. GoT does not reward noble or honorable people, but it does reward smart people. New GoT lesson.

JW: Tyrion just pulled a power move. Dominoes, motherfucker. He flipped King’s Landing on its head. Tyrion is the only Lannister child with any real power.

KH: I’m glad he did. He’s been pouting too much this season. Now we have some real flash, gangster moves from him. I love that they let him rant and then I also loved the reaction shots of everyone in the gallery. Jamie the Rapist looking worried, Cersei looking pissed, Gingersnaps looking aghast. Tommen is in the backroom, playing yarn with Ser Pounce. Oberyn is probably just aroused.

JW: Oberyn sat there like he is on the top deck of the bus, stimulated. They have paced these episodes expertly. Very little seems to be wasted now which might just reflect that they have edited the books.

KH: I thought this was one of the best paced episodes – with the exception of Reek. From here on out with this season there will be no fat. Just meat, delicious, angry, dueling meat.

JW: A trial by combat is quite the reason to tune in but that’s not how T-dog plays the game.

KH: I need a primer on the Westeros justice system. Who does he fight? Do the judges choose someone? Who can be his champion?

JW: They nominate a champion. The champions have to accept though they may offer out of some misplaced sense of honour –  a la the Eyrie and the lad Bronn killed. But we know where honour gets folk.

KH: Killed by Bronn. This is one of my favorite games: who would win in a fight? I usually play with animals but using GoT characters is as good.

JW: A bear or a maiden fair?

KH: Bear. Bear always wins.

JW: Shae should fight a bear.

KH: She can only fight with her genitals, which no one wants to see – except Oberyn.

JW: He is only courteous. It is rude not to in Dorne.

KH: He does have impeccable manners.

JW: He is a genitalman in these matters. What a genit, they often comment.

KH: All recaps lead to Oberyn and genitals.

JW: It’s like internet forums and Hitler. There are rules to the internet as there are to the Game of Thrones.

KH: If you were Tyrion, who would you choose to fight?

JW: Tommen or the bag of snot from the Eyrie little lord sucklingteat. You?

KH: Tommen is a GREAT choice, very tricksy. Can I choose an animal to fight for me? If so, a dragon. Otherwise Hodor. Ideally Hodor on a dragon.

JW: I want an arm wrestle between Onion Nubs and Jamie One Hand. Stubs vs Stump. King Robert would have had a gamble on that.

KH: Pre-fight: Stubs v Stump, Bronn v Oberyn (in bedroom matters). Title bout – Tyrion on a Direwolf v. everyone.

JW: Tyrion and all the direwolves like a Wutang Voltron.

KH: That’s more like it.

Tune in next week for more musings on the latest episode of Game of Thrones. The show airs Sunday nights at 9 on HBO.

Image courtesy of HBO.

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