‘GAME OF THRONES:’ Never Love Anything

Season 4, Episode 7: The Mountain and the Viper

After a two-week hiatus (One of our recappers was waylaid on a Cambodian jaunt, and then GoT took a vacation. But you really can’t blame us for that), we’re back to bring you musings on the latest episode of Game of Thrones. Our hearts are heavy, our eyes full of tears, our concern for who will be the dandiest in all of Westeros very real. While we may have lost an epic character this week, we also gained a new bad-ass Sansa Stark and added to our detailed knowledges of eunuch classification.

Totals this episode:
Deaths: all of Moletown and the greatest loss of all
Nudity: 1 bathing lady, a whole lot of boobs at the whore house
New horrors: Exploding head, just Reek in general

Kadi Hughes: Are you weeping?

Jonathan White: a little

KH: One, silent tear

JW: Let’s start with the start and the impending death for the mouthy harlot. That was a triumph.

KH: She was the worst. She was the one who couldn’t swear properly a few weeks ago.

JW: THE. WORST. And surely if you a tavern wench then you should be nicer to the toms? I felt I was at women’s soccer.

KH: It may have been the eyebrows. Eyebrows are the windows of the soul (everyone know that) and hers were craggy and mismanaged. She’s terrible. And now she’s dead! Hooray!

JW: Good job, GoT. That was a very well organized attack on Moletown.

KH:  I was surprised that Ygritte let Gilly and her brother-son live.

JW: It was a nice opportunity for Ygritte to prove she was a nice ginger one. She is still the girl with a dream from Downton. Off to Ripon to be a typist.

KH: She’s going to be a secretary! At Sterling Cooper!

JW: I wondered if she could tell that they were Wildlings and then realised i was going to get a long-awaited look at Missandei and forgot everything else.

KH: As soon as that happened, I knew your rating for this episode would be high, no matter what.

JW: I am so glad that everyone is much older than the books.

KH: Oh god.  How old is she in the books!?

JW: Everyone is about 11 years younger. She’s about 8-10, Dany is 13. Sansa is 13.

KH: Great. That makes us all perverts

JW: GRRM is a bad ‘un in that regard.

KH: He’s a real creeper. Let’s not delve too deeply else we’ll be in Woody Allen territory. And I can’t boycott another thing. Too many boycotts on at the moment.

JW: Boycott boycotting.

KH: I’m glad they got into the whole eunuch mechanics actually. We have A LOT of eunuchs on the show and I think they are all different types.

JW: Grey Worm seems like the type of eunuch who could still show you the four corners. Varys would be limper than his handshake.

KH: Vary is a Ken doll. All gone.

JW: Reek had his cock chopped off. The point of an orchidectomy is to remove the testes (stones) rather than the penis (pillar) as I understand it. But I am not Googling any of this.

KH: Anyways, Grey worm and Missandei I think are going to have a bit of a romance. I think we’ll get into some uprising politics.

JW: Plus Dany doing Missandei’s hair and being all womanly with her smutty comments. Do you think it’s just HBO wanting more naked hot people?

KH: Maybe. So many people have died so now we actually just have a lot of children on the show. They cannot be naked. I would vomit if we see Robyn even smooching with the ladies.

JW: We will come back to Robyn. Varys sent a little bird to Barristan the Old and Jorah just got fucked by Dany, just not quite how he had hoped.

KH: I know some people are hardcore Jorah fans but I have always thought he was a pedophile.

JW: He has such a lovely voice for sage like advice in the trailers.

KH: It was sad though, because he worships her.

JW: I like him but I am looking past his slaving and being mad keen on a child he was spying on. He’s also a bad decision maker.

KH: I cannot wait for Tyrion to kill everyone. Last episode of the season? Bam!

JW: One more episode of him not killing everyone.

KH: Dinklage is just sitting back and saying ‘give me all the awards, fools.” Plus, excellent hair game.

JW: Always excellent hair. Great looks on his face.

KH: His whole exchange in the cell, the speech about the beetles…

JW: That beetle thing was nuts. What the devil was the point of that?

KH: I thought it was one of those meandering GoT speeches that was actually powerful, showing that Tyrion is smarter, more thoughtful and more empathetic than anyone.

JW: Fair but the impressions were a bit much for me. Kind of ruined it for me.

KH: The episode was almost ruined for me by the whole Reek nonsense. More time wasted on that trash. We could have been talking about killing people with Arya and the Hound! But no, let’s do some pointless nonsense with Reek and Ramsay including some more bath time.

JW: That was a big part of the books. An axe in the head, a flayed man, Reek being told to run a bath. Ramsay becoming a Bolton. Hopefully we can spin on.

KH: They are at Winterfell now so hopefully a new storyline will emerge.

JW: I like how happy Bolton is to have all of the North when it is quite clearly a miserable shithole. What do you see? Nothing. There is 300 more miles of nothing that way. And after that, more nothing .

KH: Standing on that cliff, looking around at this giant wasteland. You get the north! And the zombie demons! Dorne still gets Ibiza.

JW: The winding wispy moors.

KH: So depressing. No wonder they all become sociopaths or drunks. Let’s go to the Eyrie. Very happy to see Sansa finally stepping up. Everything is being set up to see the Starks ascending!

JW: Sansa has become so strong as a character in two episodes. I like how I now don’t want her to die upon sight. Sidemouth was delighted. She also sexed it up, the sneaky vamp.

KH: She was like BAM! Feathers! It was like a cartoon of evil Sansa. I think Littlefinger is a bit scared.

JW: He should be.

KH: She’s been a wet blanket for so long and so naïve. It’s great to see her start to manipulate people.

JW: She killed it in the chamber of dull white people.

KH: In the chamber of dull white people the actor who played the main lord is the guy they always use in everything when they want a pompous blowhard. I hope that is what is resume says.

JW: He is a pompous blowhard and the old woman looked like Mark Hughes. I hate it when that happens. Sternfaced woman needed, must look like former Manchester United striker Mark Hughes. The other fella never stood a chance. No one noticed him.

KH: Did he even say anything? I think he was just window dressing.

JW: Sansa’s little chat with LF after was very telling.  She used tears…and then she used being well aware of her sex. Politically very canny. Then little Lord Robyn …being told to man up. Ten years old and at the teat. Well no teat any more.

KH: He has no life skills, just like a grad student. He’s obviously going to die.

JW: He has a lot of work to do for me not to embrace that death.

KH: I love how Little Finger is talking all about butching him up – with horseback riding and fighting– as Little Finger himself slithers about in a fancy frock coat.

JW: Floating along, like an efficient robot bureaucrat.

KH: That is the man I would want to butch me up, for sure. The dandy whoremongor with lily white hands.

JW: Who only talks from the side of his mouth.

KH: Although, I think our days of decadent whorehouses are over. LF is in the Vale, Tyrion is on his way out of Kings Landing and Oberyn…..Who will take up the fancy whore mantel!?

JW: Whores have taken some hits in this show but Oberyn’s death is worse than Molestown as whore economy hits go. And there’s only 102 men at the Night’s Watch.

KH: Maybe whoring is over in Westeros? Just kidding. Whoring is eternal. Like the sun and Rome . Real mangy, end days vibe up there at Castle Black. Whoever is last, burn the bodies lads. I’m done with this world. Oof.

JW: Sad times for all. I don’t want to come back.

KH: Real British attitude there. If that was an American outfit, it would be all chest bumps and can-do spirit and Labradors and shooting machine guns into the night.

JW: Right, the Hound. He should get his neck looked at.

KH: He should. I hope he doesn’t die of gangrene. He deserves a more noble death. Like dragon fire.

JW: You are mean. He would hate that.

KH: Oh right. Fine. Death by epic battle with someone he respects.

JW: Arya’s reaction to the news of Lysa’s death was priceless.

KH: The perfect reaction. Oh, another relative is dead? Yup, that sounds about right.

JW: I also liked how she was saying she would kill Joffrey with a chicken bone. It was like Gareth in The Office saying “I could catch a monkey”

KH: That exchange was funny because it was the inverse of their chat a few weeks ago, when she was practicing her ‘dancing’ and The Hound said she should fight dirty.

JW: Kids grow up so fast. Another victory for the Hound’s life lessons.

KH: What happens to our favorite duo next? They probably won’t catch up with Sansa because Westeros is huge when they want it to be and tiny when they want people to stumble on each other in the woods.

JW: It is a magical place. I don’t think they go through the gate.

KH: You mean the world’s most impenetrable gate? That is five feet tall? On second look, it is even more unimpressive. They could just walk around. No one would notice.

JW: MAIN EVEN. I was really hoping that they would change it and in a way they did. They needed Oberyn to lose so that Tyrion is sentence to death but he gets strangled – not popped like a rather bloody grape. The best part of this was Tywin being bored with Pycelle.

KH: The head popping was a new gross atrocity.

JW: The GoT staff are working through their list. The Mountain does not seem to be Scottish like his brother.

KH: Different mums, maybe? Maybe the Hound became Scottish in the fire. I think that is how it works in real life. Brits are taken to a big fire pit at birth.

JW: That is what always happens. Man turns Scottish in fire.

KH: Oberyn’s armor was beautiful but silly. His confidence made me nervous from the get-go.

JW: He was confident. He should have been as he was better at fighting. He was just too into moral victories and not stabbing someone to death when the chance appears. He wanted Tywin too much.

KH: It was hubris! It’s always hubris. He should have just killed him, dirty or clean, as Arya has taught us.

JW: He did not see the lesson.

KH: The whole head popping was gartuitous. It was very sad to loose Oberyn, and that should have been a poignant moment, but the grossness made it silly.

JW: The Mountain did have a big build up. He had to pull out all the stops. It was like a teenager writing a horror movie manners.

KH: At least now he is dead.

JW: He is very dead, like business at the whore house.

KH: Tyrion’s face at the end was excellent though. So much dread.

JW: He thought he was on to a winnerand then POP!

KH: Then there was Cersei’s smug bitch face. She is really begging for a terrible comeuppance.

JW: I expect she is going to get it. She undid all her recent goodwill.

KH: Of course she will. They all will. I won’t be surprised if this whole thing ends with everyone dead, the world in perpetual winter, White Walkers everywhere. You’re all dead. It meant nothing. THE END. Until then, we have a lot to resolve in two episodes.

JW: Loads. Dornish rage, the Brawl on the Wall, Tommen and his mucky lady wife. Will Ygritte and Jon reunite?

KH: She’ll try to kill him, he’ll get sad and she’ll die. Then he’ll the pout for another season.

JW: I really can’t wait for next week.

KH: How shall we honor Oberyn’s death? I think he would like everyone to celebrate his life with a citywide pan sexual orgy, in dresscoats.

JW: A fully dressed orgy. After a wine breakfast. Dorne will rage and we should get to meet some of his daughters.

KH: Predictions for next week?

JW: Death. Lots of death. But no idea where this is going to be. I’ll be happy enough with whatever. My life is over after warming to Oberyn.

KH: The lesson here is: Never care about anything. GoT will just take it from you.

JW: It’s just not worth it. At all. Ever. They will all die.

KH: You need to be Oberyn now. Take up that mantle.

JW: I am going to work on it. First thing is the poetry. Just gonna go and freestyle some iambic pentameter.

Tune in next week for more musings on the latest episode of Game of Thrones. The show airs Sunday nights at 9 on HBO.

Image courtesy of HBO.