All posts by Kadi Hughes

True Detective Recap: Vaya! Vaya! Peligro!

After a bit of a hiatus (cough cough) our stellar tv recaps are back. We’ve decided to tackle the second season of the much anticipated True Detective. The first season filled us with existential dread, fear, longing and absolute delight! So it was with much excitement that we launched into the second season, full of more – more characters, more human darkness, more crow masks. This week we tackle the first two episodes and discuss what exactly Rachel McAdam’s tried to do in the bedroom, our theories for what type of world we deserv, and Colin Farrell’s rony.

Kadi Hughes: Opening questions: Is Colin Farrell dead?

Jonathan White: He can walk it off. Might lose his muzzy.

KH: It’s rock salt or something. Also it’s HBO. He’s probably just going to get raped. New question: why does Vince Vaughn have the facial proportions of a much smaller man, maybe even a child? Not just in this but like in life in general.

JW: I can’t tell if Vince Vaughan is nailing the difficulties of a career criminal going straight and being uncomfortable in situations he would be less cool with or if he is just being VV and shit at the acting part that is less VV. Someone is getting raped. So many masks.

JW: Masks are to TD what a gun is to Chekov

KH: I refuse to learn the names of these characters. VV is VV, Farrell is Farrell. Tim Riggins is Tim Riggins.

JW: He’s known as hotscarredwhitedude and he does not like blowjobs.

KH: He’s been sexually abused by his mum since childhood. Then went and killed 10.000 kids in the dessert…and now likes to fantasize about rent boys.

JW: Likely. This is California. The numbers don’t add up. David Morse after he let himself go following Treme was super odd.

KH: I like the whole “California is a failed utopia thing.’ David Morse lives at Don Drapers commune. Straight up- it’s shot at the exact same place

JW: Sure, because they are not enough of them in the real California.Who is that alcoholic with a cool Asian aide? I assumed that was an Avi/Lloyd thing.

KH: He’s the mayor.

JW: I know he is the mayor but the other dude seems a little put together to put up with a man drinking from the cocktail shaker.

KH: I’m sure he’s making power plays.

JW: HBO are peddlers of human darkness. The dialogue in this is all vetted by the “you need the bad pussy” chap who officiated the GoT finale after opening a candy bar to get the job. The golden (shower) ticket or some such. Like that bully kid – ASS-PEN.

KH: Nick Pizzolatto is a real piece of work. He is just doing mountains of coke, reading Nietzsche and transcribing the conversations of sophomore philosophy majors. Then throwing in gems like “You really pull off that ecig.” Like wtf is that.

JW: Followed by “like sucking a robot dick.”

KH: My main issues w TD 2 is that there is no levity. No jokes. No Woody Harrelson rolling his eyes.

JW: None…except robot dick. And maybe when Farrell yelled at that shitty kid. The Faddler in good form.

KH: Inspirational. However, Farrell’s accent is slipping. He has a case of the Littlefingers. The more evil they are, the more the Irish comes out.

JW: Apart from the balaclava he is a sap. Brass knuckles and his poor fat ginger son. “Where’s his fucking Lebron fucking shoes.” I ask myself that daily. But the Farrell has a moustache – a ronny, as they are called in Intermission, his finest hour.

KH: It’s a strong look. He’s so tiny. Did I tell you I met him? He was significantly smaller than me. Super soft hands. Like a rabbit’s undercarriage.

JW: I respect soft hands. I have soft hands, despite years of typing on keyboards. Poor Faddler, getting shottied in the moneymakers.

KH: He’ll be fine. VV will save him.

JW: A cup of tea with brown sauce and he will be grand. VV, though. That monologue was terrible and TD’s trying too hard to be sooooooooooo noir.

KH: I left the room to get a snack because I just didn’t care. “I killed a rat.” Honestly, who hasn’t?

JW: What was the punchline? Where is Owen Wilson?

KH: I’ve always said HBO should do more crossovers to help with this. Just throw Larry David into one TD scene.

JW: I feel they do by accident. HBO – Half Baked Oddities.

KH: I really enjoyed when VV just started pretending he was in Swingers, when he spoke to the man in that the car “accident.”

JW: He was just being VV, outside adlibbing. That wasn’t even part of the show. Anyway, hotwhitedude has scars, inside and out. DEEP.

KH: Candle wax from sex w his mom

JW: Possiblebumfun has scars inside

KH: Possiblebumfun is the only one I really care about

JW: I think I love her. She is so troubled and really into knifing men. And has really mixed views on porn. She talks about it a lot then watches fuck out of it like she is in the member’s zone.

KH: Was that her sister do you think?

JW: No, that looked more hardcore than what her sister does. And possiblebumfun is a woman and therefore defined by her sex acts. I did wonder if possiblebumfun offered that square at the beginning, a menage a three peeps but he was superfreaked out.

KH: No, no she did something because he was freaked. Probably just pegged him.

JW: Speaking on behalf of all square white men portrayed on film, I expect it was a pegging because that is all over the TV now.

KH: Pegging is very 2015. But who knows? Maybe she was like, “I want to cuddle.” And he was like “ew. I feel waaaaay too pressured. I thought this was casual.” Maybe bum fun asked him to help her move. Or drive her to the airport.

JW: That would do it. Or pick her up from arrivals.

KH: Or catsit.

JW: I would have gone all Faddler at Aspen for a catsitting. This TD needs Steve Martin or Ron Howard.

KH: I think my original idea of Larry David is sound. Unleash VV. Let him just run his big mouth.

JW: I reckon this season is going the other way to the first, where it was great until the end where – SPOILER ALERT – it got fucking shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Or it might be brilliant. I cannot decide from one minute to the next. I honestly have no idea how we are meant to feel about this shit and there is too much going on and none of it is a thing. Stop setting the scene. It’s like going to dinner and they keep replacing empty plates.

KH: Yeah…we need some plot.

JW: 57 minutes into episode one is where we should have started and the rest should have been a cold open, with Faddler ballied up and shhhing crackheads. They must have spent loads on those sex paintings. If I see them again, my word. Do I need to see a dead man go on a road trip? No one does unless it is to Aruba and he wears a Hawaiian shirt and is a boss. Weekend at Birdhead’s.

KH: I’d watch that. The dialogue is painful. “Help your daughter.” “I just did.” Everything is so overwrought.

JW: It’s like dinner with my parents.

KH: But I did like creepy Rick Springfield and the psych hospital.

JW: Stop going to weird places, TD2. Just go the shops and then the ballgame.

KH: No one does anything that resembles normal human behaviors. Like even Farrell screaming “vaya vaya! peligro!” at those kids.

JW: The most normal thing was a pair of LeBrons that HBO didn’t even actually spring for.

KH: Everything though might just be a red herring at this point. None of this could matter. There is no big conspiracy. We will develop multiple, really complex theories that, in the end, are in no way related to anything. It’s just a pimp.

JW: I think they are red mackerel and we are not even warmed up for herring. Red whales.

KH: The whole thing is a red herring. None of it exists. Last episode will be a studio sitcom about a corn-fed family. Last episode will be the making of that. Last episode is Pizz pitching this to Ari, inside a snow globe.

JW: Which Lloyd is shaking.

KH: Journey plays. Cut to black. Or maybe this show isn’t even actually happening? We are all just collectively imagining it. Time is a flat circle.

JW: I’ll tell you something, Steve Martin is playing 35 in Parenthood. Time very fucking flat.

KH: That cannot be true. I can’t even play 35 and I’m 33!

JW: Me, too. Apart from my hands. My velvet vole hands

KH: Your vole hands are actually Benjamin buttoning. Soon they will be embryonic.

JW: “Sometimes your worst self is your best self.” “I think we get the world we deserve.”

KH: “I think being overdramatic is the same as being insightful.”

JW: “I think exposition is the same as writing a plot.”

KH: Maybe the twist is that the rest of the series is from bird heads perspective. Maybe he takes off the mask and its….Farrell. Double Farrell.

JW: Farrell would not shoot himself in the cock. Think about it.

KH: It’s a new Farrell. He took cockless Farrell’s soul. THAT is the world we deserve. A world with double Farrells.

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‘GAME OF THRONES:’ Never Love Anything

Season 4, Episode 7: The Mountain and the Viper

After a two-week hiatus (One of our recappers was waylaid on a Cambodian jaunt, and then GoT took a vacation. But you really can’t blame us for that), we’re back to bring you musings on the latest episode of Game of Thrones. Our hearts are heavy, our eyes full of tears, our concern for who will be the dandiest in all of Westeros very real. While we may have lost an epic character this week, we also gained a new bad-ass Sansa Stark and added to our detailed knowledges of eunuch classification.

Totals this episode:
Deaths: all of Moletown and the greatest loss of all
Nudity: 1 bathing lady, a whole lot of boobs at the whore house
New horrors: Exploding head, just Reek in general

Kadi Hughes: Are you weeping?

Jonathan White: a little

KH: One, silent tear

JW: Let’s start with the start and the impending death for the mouthy harlot. That was a triumph.

KH: She was the worst. She was the one who couldn’t swear properly a few weeks ago.

JW: THE. WORST. And surely if you a tavern wench then you should be nicer to the toms? I felt I was at women’s soccer.

KH: It may have been the eyebrows. Eyebrows are the windows of the soul (everyone know that) and hers were craggy and mismanaged. She’s terrible. And now she’s dead! Hooray!

JW: Good job, GoT. That was a very well organized attack on Moletown.

KH:  I was surprised that Ygritte let Gilly and her brother-son live.

JW: It was a nice opportunity for Ygritte to prove she was a nice ginger one. She is still the girl with a dream from Downton. Off to Ripon to be a typist.

KH: She’s going to be a secretary! At Sterling Cooper!

JW: I wondered if she could tell that they were Wildlings and then realised i was going to get a long-awaited look at Missandei and forgot everything else.

KH: As soon as that happened, I knew your rating for this episode would be high, no matter what.

JW: I am so glad that everyone is much older than the books.

KH: Oh god.  How old is she in the books!?

JW: Everyone is about 11 years younger. She’s about 8-10, Dany is 13. Sansa is 13.

KH: Great. That makes us all perverts

JW: GRRM is a bad ‘un in that regard.

KH: He’s a real creeper. Let’s not delve too deeply else we’ll be in Woody Allen territory. And I can’t boycott another thing. Too many boycotts on at the moment.

JW: Boycott boycotting.

KH: I’m glad they got into the whole eunuch mechanics actually. We have A LOT of eunuchs on the show and I think they are all different types.

JW: Grey Worm seems like the type of eunuch who could still show you the four corners. Varys would be limper than his handshake.

KH: Vary is a Ken doll. All gone.

JW: Reek had his cock chopped off. The point of an orchidectomy is to remove the testes (stones) rather than the penis (pillar) as I understand it. But I am not Googling any of this.

KH: Anyways, Grey worm and Missandei I think are going to have a bit of a romance. I think we’ll get into some uprising politics.

JW: Plus Dany doing Missandei’s hair and being all womanly with her smutty comments. Do you think it’s just HBO wanting more naked hot people?

KH: Maybe. So many people have died so now we actually just have a lot of children on the show. They cannot be naked. I would vomit if we see Robyn even smooching with the ladies.

JW: We will come back to Robyn. Varys sent a little bird to Barristan the Old and Jorah just got fucked by Dany, just not quite how he had hoped.

KH: I know some people are hardcore Jorah fans but I have always thought he was a pedophile.

JW: He has such a lovely voice for sage like advice in the trailers.

KH: It was sad though, because he worships her.

JW: I like him but I am looking past his slaving and being mad keen on a child he was spying on. He’s also a bad decision maker.

KH: I cannot wait for Tyrion to kill everyone. Last episode of the season? Bam!

JW: One more episode of him not killing everyone.

KH: Dinklage is just sitting back and saying ‘give me all the awards, fools.” Plus, excellent hair game.

JW: Always excellent hair. Great looks on his face.

KH: His whole exchange in the cell, the speech about the beetles…

JW: That beetle thing was nuts. What the devil was the point of that?

KH: I thought it was one of those meandering GoT speeches that was actually powerful, showing that Tyrion is smarter, more thoughtful and more empathetic than anyone.

JW: Fair but the impressions were a bit much for me. Kind of ruined it for me.

KH: The episode was almost ruined for me by the whole Reek nonsense. More time wasted on that trash. We could have been talking about killing people with Arya and the Hound! But no, let’s do some pointless nonsense with Reek and Ramsay including some more bath time.

JW: That was a big part of the books. An axe in the head, a flayed man, Reek being told to run a bath. Ramsay becoming a Bolton. Hopefully we can spin on.

KH: They are at Winterfell now so hopefully a new storyline will emerge.

JW: I like how happy Bolton is to have all of the North when it is quite clearly a miserable shithole. What do you see? Nothing. There is 300 more miles of nothing that way. And after that, more nothing .

KH: Standing on that cliff, looking around at this giant wasteland. You get the north! And the zombie demons! Dorne still gets Ibiza.

JW: The winding wispy moors.

KH: So depressing. No wonder they all become sociopaths or drunks. Let’s go to the Eyrie. Very happy to see Sansa finally stepping up. Everything is being set up to see the Starks ascending!

JW: Sansa has become so strong as a character in two episodes. I like how I now don’t want her to die upon sight. Sidemouth was delighted. She also sexed it up, the sneaky vamp.

KH: She was like BAM! Feathers! It was like a cartoon of evil Sansa. I think Littlefinger is a bit scared.

JW: He should be.

KH: She’s been a wet blanket for so long and so naïve. It’s great to see her start to manipulate people.

JW: She killed it in the chamber of dull white people.

KH: In the chamber of dull white people the actor who played the main lord is the guy they always use in everything when they want a pompous blowhard. I hope that is what is resume says.

JW: He is a pompous blowhard and the old woman looked like Mark Hughes. I hate it when that happens. Sternfaced woman needed, must look like former Manchester United striker Mark Hughes. The other fella never stood a chance. No one noticed him.

KH: Did he even say anything? I think he was just window dressing.

JW: Sansa’s little chat with LF after was very telling.  She used tears…and then she used being well aware of her sex. Politically very canny. Then little Lord Robyn …being told to man up. Ten years old and at the teat. Well no teat any more.

KH: He has no life skills, just like a grad student. He’s obviously going to die.

JW: He has a lot of work to do for me not to embrace that death.

KH: I love how Little Finger is talking all about butching him up – with horseback riding and fighting– as Little Finger himself slithers about in a fancy frock coat.

JW: Floating along, like an efficient robot bureaucrat.

KH: That is the man I would want to butch me up, for sure. The dandy whoremongor with lily white hands.

JW: Who only talks from the side of his mouth.

KH: Although, I think our days of decadent whorehouses are over. LF is in the Vale, Tyrion is on his way out of Kings Landing and Oberyn…..Who will take up the fancy whore mantel!?

JW: Whores have taken some hits in this show but Oberyn’s death is worse than Molestown as whore economy hits go. And there’s only 102 men at the Night’s Watch.

KH: Maybe whoring is over in Westeros? Just kidding. Whoring is eternal. Like the sun and Rome . Real mangy, end days vibe up there at Castle Black. Whoever is last, burn the bodies lads. I’m done with this world. Oof.

JW: Sad times for all. I don’t want to come back.

KH: Real British attitude there. If that was an American outfit, it would be all chest bumps and can-do spirit and Labradors and shooting machine guns into the night.

JW: Right, the Hound. He should get his neck looked at.

KH: He should. I hope he doesn’t die of gangrene. He deserves a more noble death. Like dragon fire.

JW: You are mean. He would hate that.

KH: Oh right. Fine. Death by epic battle with someone he respects.

JW: Arya’s reaction to the news of Lysa’s death was priceless.

KH: The perfect reaction. Oh, another relative is dead? Yup, that sounds about right.

JW: I also liked how she was saying she would kill Joffrey with a chicken bone. It was like Gareth in The Office saying “I could catch a monkey”

KH: That exchange was funny because it was the inverse of their chat a few weeks ago, when she was practicing her ‘dancing’ and The Hound said she should fight dirty.

JW: Kids grow up so fast. Another victory for the Hound’s life lessons.

KH: What happens to our favorite duo next? They probably won’t catch up with Sansa because Westeros is huge when they want it to be and tiny when they want people to stumble on each other in the woods.

JW: It is a magical place. I don’t think they go through the gate.

KH: You mean the world’s most impenetrable gate? That is five feet tall? On second look, it is even more unimpressive. They could just walk around. No one would notice.

JW: MAIN EVEN. I was really hoping that they would change it and in a way they did. They needed Oberyn to lose so that Tyrion is sentence to death but he gets strangled – not popped like a rather bloody grape. The best part of this was Tywin being bored with Pycelle.

KH: The head popping was a new gross atrocity.

JW: The GoT staff are working through their list. The Mountain does not seem to be Scottish like his brother.

KH: Different mums, maybe? Maybe the Hound became Scottish in the fire. I think that is how it works in real life. Brits are taken to a big fire pit at birth.

JW: That is what always happens. Man turns Scottish in fire.

KH: Oberyn’s armor was beautiful but silly. His confidence made me nervous from the get-go.

JW: He was confident. He should have been as he was better at fighting. He was just too into moral victories and not stabbing someone to death when the chance appears. He wanted Tywin too much.

KH: It was hubris! It’s always hubris. He should have just killed him, dirty or clean, as Arya has taught us.

JW: He did not see the lesson.

KH: The whole head popping was gartuitous. It was very sad to loose Oberyn, and that should have been a poignant moment, but the grossness made it silly.

JW: The Mountain did have a big build up. He had to pull out all the stops. It was like a teenager writing a horror movie manners.

KH: At least now he is dead.

JW: He is very dead, like business at the whore house.

KH: Tyrion’s face at the end was excellent though. So much dread.

JW: He thought he was on to a winnerand then POP!

KH: Then there was Cersei’s smug bitch face. She is really begging for a terrible comeuppance.

JW: I expect she is going to get it. She undid all her recent goodwill.

KH: Of course she will. They all will. I won’t be surprised if this whole thing ends with everyone dead, the world in perpetual winter, White Walkers everywhere. You’re all dead. It meant nothing. THE END. Until then, we have a lot to resolve in two episodes.

JW: Loads. Dornish rage, the Brawl on the Wall, Tommen and his mucky lady wife. Will Ygritte and Jon reunite?

KH: She’ll try to kill him, he’ll get sad and she’ll die. Then he’ll the pout for another season.

JW: I really can’t wait for next week.

KH: How shall we honor Oberyn’s death? I think he would like everyone to celebrate his life with a citywide pan sexual orgy, in dresscoats.

JW: A fully dressed orgy. After a wine breakfast. Dorne will rage and we should get to meet some of his daughters.

KH: Predictions for next week?

JW: Death. Lots of death. But no idea where this is going to be. I’ll be happy enough with whatever. My life is over after warming to Oberyn.

KH: The lesson here is: Never care about anything. GoT will just take it from you.

JW: It’s just not worth it. At all. Ever. They will all die.

KH: You need to be Oberyn now. Take up that mantle.

JW: I am going to work on it. First thing is the poetry. Just gonna go and freestyle some iambic pentameter.

Tune in next week for more musings on the latest episode of Game of Thrones. The show airs Sunday nights at 9 on HBO.

Image courtesy of HBO.

‘Game of Thrones:’ Joey Court

Season 4, Episode 6: The Laws of Gods and Men

This week, Dany learns how to rule (and that people don’t like colonizers); we learned accounting with the bankers of Bravos and hot tub jokes with its pirates; some more gross stuff happened with the unending Reek storyline. But most importantly, Law & Order came to Westeros and we got the trial we’ve always wanted. The episode (perhaps the series?) belongs to Dinklage. Bring on the Trial by Combat!!

Totals this episode:
Deaths: a herd of sheep
Nudity: 0
New horrors: Bathtub time with Reek.

Jonathan White: I knew there was a dragon coming so that was exciting.

Kadi Hughes: You felt it in your waters?

JW:  The only time that there are sheep,  there will be dragons. I was not disappointed, apart from my CGI disappointment, which was inevitable.

KH: HBO should just make a real dragon. It would be cheaper in the long run to just genetically engineer one.

JW: HBO can spring for that shit. HBO has more money than most Gods.

KH: So we got some roasted sheep. Dany was  getting a but smug with her ruling then bam! hubris bringing her down to the level of being a colonizing whitie.

JW: She was then made sad by the lad with the annoying voice and animal teeth.

KH: Ruling is kind of boring.

JW: So much paperwork and sitting holding court. We found out that Jorah was a snitch but now he love the bitch. (I have been watching a lot of rap battles). Dany is not a bitch – but she has some mad brows.

KH: The women of this world have excellent brow game: her, Cersei, Arya. Cersei is the undisputed brow master. Dany still has a lot to learn. Your boy Oberyn was in fine form this week. I very much enjoyed his convo with Varys: “what do you mean you don’t like boys or girls?” His hedonistic head was about to implode with incredulity.  His whole world view destroyed by an asexual spider.

JW: Oberyn was outraged. He will put it in a poem to recite on his scooter as he goes for tapas. Mace Tyrell sounds like a right plum. Dullest man ever but his wife must be mad hot like his ma was. Shit skipped a generation as his kids are not dull either.

KH: Mace Tyrell is either a simpleton or playing one.

JW: A dull simpleton.

KH: He actually looks like a burnt potato. Doesn’t really have a lot going for him, does he? Speaking of food people, ONION KNIGHT. Dominating the Iron Bank with his hand nubbins. However by the third time he was shoving his stumps in Mycroft Holmes’ face, it was a bit much. Simmer down man! I think HBO should take the budget they are spending on appendages and put that into dragon engineering.

JW: Davos did don the ducat dickheads. Banks are not cool. Onion should have wacked a stocking over his head and ganked them. But he is a smuggler and not a pirate, as he always says.

KH: Pirates are hot tubbing with prostitutes.

JW: Who is trimming the GoT mound hair? That seems unrealistic – unless Reek does it all. They seem to cast the merkins asunder. A door to a room, on which is written here lie the merkins.

KH: Maybe the women of Westeros are not as hirsute as other places?

JW: There just seems to be a modern aversion to hair.

KH: It is an American show. This isn’t France! I would like to spend more time in Bravos. I like how orderly it is – they definitely are very comfortable with Excel.

JW: They know all of the calculator tricks.

KH: Like writing ‘BOOBS’?

JW: BOOBLESS, also BOOBIES.

KH: And HELLO and BOOBLESS HELL.

JW: Stage one of Iron Bank interview passed. BOOBLESS HELL is stage two.

KH: That is a realm of lesbians who have had top surgery and are really into calculators.

JW: GRRM might use that but it would be an abacus. Go to Hollywood and find a hot tub. He will be there, not finishing the books. But on to other things…

KH: I am not discussing the Reek storyline. So far as I am concerned, it does not exist. I am wasting no more time or mental space on him. I am now fast-forwarding through his scenes.

JW: Ramsay is a truly bad egg. I would like him to be a curate’s egg and create a ‘Guide to Abuse’ for people who have always wanted to know how. He is a dog owner so I guess that is something. That whole bathing Reek thing was a bit much.

KH: Boo hiss. No one cares. Die. Iron Island you suck. No one cares about paying the Iron Price. We all just use our phones now. Get with the times. Plus they always seem damp. GET A TOWEL.

JW: They should get a hairdryer and a cup of soup and a dressing gown with a hood.

KH: Let’s get to the trial!

JW: Kangaroo court for a dwarf … is that a joey court?

KH: Booooo. It was fitting that the main question judge Oberynn asked was for Shae to describe sexing Tyrion.

JW: “Tell me about what you did sex-wise?” A good judge, I would happily be judged by him.

KH: He is the Judge Judy of sex acts. Harsh, but fair.

JW: Judge Philip Banks. Littlefinger’s plan worked swimmingly. Ser Playdoh was found with the smoking gun.

KH: Ser Dontos and Mace Tyrell were hatched from similar eggs.

JW: Maester had quite the poison cupboard there. He should have locked that.

KH: I am still traumatized from seeing his naked body a few seasons ago.

JW: That was horrible. He’s like Terry Richardson or the cat from American Apparel – but older and more sleazy.

KH: Plus people who just wear robes are nasty. You know they don’t wear underwear and so it is like a flapping mess.

JW: Robes seem impractical in so many ways and you can’t do the Will Smith knee tug when you sit down. I am hoping for as many life lessons from GoT as I got from Fresh Prince of Bell Air. So far:
1. robes suck
2. sex kills you
3. Irish people are dangerous

KH: Those are actually the lessons of Catholicism.

JW: Fair point.

KH: During the testimony I do like how it turned into a greatest hits of Tyrion burns. Turns out, Shae is an asshole. It feels like she was testifying out of spite.

JW: Shae is a prolapsed arsehole. I hate her face and her words. I do hope that she has a comeuppance coming up.

KH: I’m sure something terrible will happen very soon. “My Lion.” Poor Tyrion.

JW: Poor half-face halfman. Tywin  played Jamie, hard. The one-handed dolt.

KH: Jamie is pretty but not very bright. What’s the deal with big Momma Lannister? Was she Tywin’s sister or something? The Lannister children all have a touch of the inbred about them.

JW: Good looking kids. Best looking dwarf on TV for starters.

KH: Only dwarf on tv? Dinklage is handsome, regardless of stature.

JW: He was incredible. The acting of the year. Wowsers.

KH: Wowsers, indeed. There are a few GoT scenes that I like to rewatch to get pumped up. From last season, when Dany unleashes the dragons on the slavers. This might be my new go-to.

JW: YouTube mixtape.

KH: “I should have let you all burn.” Watch before going o a stressful social event or high school reunion. The whole scene is so great because up until now Tyrion has been playing by everyone’s rules and doing all this shit to fit in. But now, BAM! Unleash the Kraken.

JW: He just defied his father hard.

KH: His father is terrible. Onion Nubs brought up a good point with the Iron Bank. When Tywin dies, so does Lannister power. GoT does not reward noble or honorable people, but it does reward smart people. New GoT lesson.

JW: Tyrion just pulled a power move. Dominoes, motherfucker. He flipped King’s Landing on its head. Tyrion is the only Lannister child with any real power.

KH: I’m glad he did. He’s been pouting too much this season. Now we have some real flash, gangster moves from him. I love that they let him rant and then I also loved the reaction shots of everyone in the gallery. Jamie the Rapist looking worried, Cersei looking pissed, Gingersnaps looking aghast. Tommen is in the backroom, playing yarn with Ser Pounce. Oberyn is probably just aroused.

JW: Oberyn sat there like he is on the top deck of the bus, stimulated. They have paced these episodes expertly. Very little seems to be wasted now which might just reflect that they have edited the books.

KH: I thought this was one of the best paced episodes – with the exception of Reek. From here on out with this season there will be no fat. Just meat, delicious, angry, dueling meat.

JW: A trial by combat is quite the reason to tune in but that’s not how T-dog plays the game.

KH: I need a primer on the Westeros justice system. Who does he fight? Do the judges choose someone? Who can be his champion?

JW: They nominate a champion. The champions have to accept though they may offer out of some misplaced sense of honour –  a la the Eyrie and the lad Bronn killed. But we know where honour gets folk.

KH: Killed by Bronn. This is one of my favorite games: who would win in a fight? I usually play with animals but using GoT characters is as good.

JW: A bear or a maiden fair?

KH: Bear. Bear always wins.

JW: Shae should fight a bear.

KH: She can only fight with her genitals, which no one wants to see – except Oberyn.

JW: He is only courteous. It is rude not to in Dorne.

KH: He does have impeccable manners.

JW: He is a genitalman in these matters. What a genit, they often comment.

KH: All recaps lead to Oberyn and genitals.

JW: It’s like internet forums and Hitler. There are rules to the internet as there are to the Game of Thrones.

KH: If you were Tyrion, who would you choose to fight?

JW: Tommen or the bag of snot from the Eyrie little lord sucklingteat. You?

KH: Tommen is a GREAT choice, very tricksy. Can I choose an animal to fight for me? If so, a dragon. Otherwise Hodor. Ideally Hodor on a dragon.

JW: I want an arm wrestle between Onion Nubs and Jamie One Hand. Stubs vs Stump. King Robert would have had a gamble on that.

KH: Pre-fight: Stubs v Stump, Bronn v Oberyn (in bedroom matters). Title bout – Tyrion on a Direwolf v. everyone.

JW: Tyrion and all the direwolves like a Wutang Voltron.

KH: That’s more like it.

Tune in next week for more musings on the latest episode of Game of Thrones. The show airs Sunday nights at 9 on HBO.

Image courtesy of HBO.

‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: They Hurt Little Girls Everywhere

Season 4, Episode 5: First of His Name

We have a new king on the throne — all hail baby Tommen! In addition to the coronation, we saw uneasy alliances being solidified, Dornish wild cards finding the muse, and the big reveal that Littlefinger is the puppet master of all. This week, we speculate about the lessons our favorite odd couples are trying to teach us, debate who’s going through the Moon Door, and make some excellent product placement suggestions.

Totals this episode:
Deaths: 14
Nudity: none (wait, really?)
New horrors: stabbing someone through the back of the head and out the throat; not liking sweets

Jonathan White: More madness, nuff madness.

Kadi Hughes: GoT was on top form this week. Oberyn in a pretty dress writing poetry! Hodor the human tank! Ghost attack! Littlefinger being the best.

JW: This week was much better than last but it might have been the amount of fire.

KH: More fire. Always more fire.

JW: FIRE and VIOLENCE and not even a dragon. Way to make me not care about dragons. Let me say this. I think Cersei’s face is going to be GIFd up this week. Her reaction to something Margaery said was “bitch, please” but she had to quell it.

KH: With a deep inhale and eyebrow arch. Cersei had a great episode. She’s becoming a very sympathetic character and made some strong power play moves this week.

JW: She had a rare admission of truth.

KH: She tells the truth a lot in this episode but it’s all tricks! She’s ensnaring them!

JW: Her eyebrow arch was up there with Dany’s face for “I love it when a man kills many men to take me some boats. That’s dreamy.”

KH: With her strange little giggle? That was…odd.

JW: This episode had strong acting from the women all round.

KH: The ladies dominated this one. I am now including Bran as a lady due to his hair.

JW: Fair. His hair and his desire to be carried like an aristocratic lady in the olden days.

KH: Bran kind of looks like a strange hybrid of Emily Mortimer and Steve Coogan. His hair is becoming really distracting.

JW: Who could cut it? Who cuts everyone else’s? Do wargs have faster hair growing?

KH: Hodor could do it. He cut those ropes, he could handle a bang trim.

JW: Hodor is not cutting his hair. Nuh-uh. He’d tear his head off. I thought that was a great resolution to a storyline that came out of nowhere — the Bran/Jojen/Meera diversion. Jojen rocked some invisible fire and BOOM there’s the direwolves.

KH: I teared up at the Jon Snow-Ghost reunion. “I missed you Ghost!” WE ALL DID. Plus, Ghost killed Fats McGee the rapist! Well done, Ghost, well done.

JW: Sit Ubu, sit. Good dog. I really liked it too, especially as he got to eat a man for no other reason than they could make him. Ghost is an actual topwolf, nothing dire about him. Lady, on the other hand, was dire.

KH: Before we leave the rape village, we need to discuss Carl — skull — sword.

JW: Unnecessary roughness. One of the poor rapewives should have shouted — that’s a skullfucking.

KH: Obviously it was satisfying to see him die — and to have it foretold by Love Actually — but that was mental. I think that they have a list of horrors in the GoT writers’ room and every week they make sure they cross a new one off.

JW: They may well do, like the room in The Cabin In The Woods.

KH: “How about baby slaughter”? ” “Did it!” “Violent rape? “Did it, tons.” “Skullfucking?” “Perfect!”

JW: “Steve, I told you to cross off terror rape.”
“Sorry, boss. We’ve used it again. My bad. How about a ton of fire?”
“Steve, we’re going to have to put you through the Moon Door!”

KH: The Moon Door with Uncle Peter. What a clever little minx. He’s the mastermind behind everything. “Know your strengths” and if your strength is to be a conniving ferret, you can rule the kingdom!

JW: Littlefinger just makes people do shit. Just to see. He also wanders around like an evil dandy and brought the best out of Sansa.

KH: Sansa is getting more and more interesting.

JW: She will become more so. But her aunt needs to go. She is horrendous. She’s like a sexed up version of Radio 4’s The Archers. I hate her voice. It sounds like someone acting and then she switches on Sansa. She thinks Littlefinger is boss, she killed her fella and still suckles the simpering sap at her teat. Kill her.

KH: Terrible. “You’ll hear me screaming across the Narrow Sea.” Pull it together, woman! I’m just thankful we didn’t have to see it. She has no redeeming qualities. She doesn’t even like sweets!

JW: None at all.

KH: You can’t trust a person who doesn’t like sweets. Someone HAS to go via the Moon Door. They’ve been teasing that thing for seasons now. Maybe Lysa will jump, heartbroken by Littlefinger.

JW: I think someone will come in via the Moon Door.

KH: Oberyn. He is also into rock climbing.

JW: That is my hope. He loves some Moon Door action.

KH: He doesn’t have hang-ups about doors — moon, sun, cellar. They are all just portals to human connection.

JW: And poetry.

KH: Oberyn writing poetry. AMAZING. He is becoming a real Spanish stereotype.

JW: He is. He will soon be going into bars with his own beer and wearing red trainers and going on a moped with some pals. He is great.

KH: He’s sending poems to his daughter? What is that nonsense?

JW: His daughter is great, there will be more of her to come.

KH: It was a strategic yet touching scene with Cersei and Oberyn. She’s playing them all so well and is becoming, dare I say, likeable?

JW: She has turned the corner.

KH: And so now she is going to die.

JW: She still is not into Margaery calling her “mummy.” Tommen just needs to keep his head down and enjoy some nighttime visits from that ginger.

KH: As long as Ser Pounce approves, but I think a tin of tuna and some cuddles should win his favor.

JW: Tommen may have actually won the Game of Thrones.

KH: Just by being a sweet, inbred towhead.

JW: Tywin has the best voice. Only he could be heard as an individual at the coronation.

KH: I would love to have him record things for me, like my alarm demanding I arise. I would be so shamed if I didn’t.

JW: He could record shopping lists and things. “Get kale, you lecherous stump.” Oberyn should recite a poem to Tywin, of his desire to lay with him because of his impeccable outfits and ethics…but not finances.

KH: The Lannisters need to start using QuickBooks or something.

JW: A simple Excel sheet.

KH: It would be great if they worked in some product placement for Microsoft Office next episode. The Lannisters using Excel; Jon Snow using PowerPoint to make a presentation to the Night’s Watch.

JW:  Oberyn writing poetry on Word.

KH: Someone using MS Paint, and just openly weeping.

JW: Having had a look at the Blood Gate, it seemed that you could get up and go over.

KH: You mean the world’s smallest gate in a tiny hill? Maybe they were just making a point — everything that Littlefinger says is a lie. Hashtag dramaqueen.

JW: Point proved that being sexy LF gets you in. I think Robin will pay for lashing the gift out of the always-open Moon Door. Shut the Moon Door! It’s dangerous.

KH: That kid is a spoiled shit. Throwing that magical bird through the Moon Door. UNLESS THAT IS WHAT LITTLEFINGER WANTED.

JW: It was probably poison.

KH: People play pretty fast and loose with poison in this world.

JW: There should be a right-wing newspaper in there decrying the amount of poison on our streets, the posion epidemic sweeping the nation.

KH: Do you think the normal in Westeros care about any of this nonsense and upheaval happening?

JW: They care about the next bowl of brown.

KH: If I was a normal I would not be pleased with everything running amok. I think we need some peasant uprisings — bowls of brown overturned, pitchforks, some classic Russian revolts.

JW: They need a leader. Dany loves her some serfs, maybe she can lead the revolt.

KH: She does but her whole campaign turning into a real Occupy Wall Street moment.

JW: A tiresome protest made for Vice photo shoots?

KH: A lot of people amped up about injustice, lots of big moves in the beginning and then….no one really knows anything and then they all get pepper sprayed.

JW: Yeah but everyone is a bit too good looking. Real humans are uglier.

KH: We learned a lot of lessons this week. Podrick taught us all a valuable lesson this week: rabbit skins burn.

JW: Also the lesson that you must have killed someone to impress a big lady knight but then you can undress her, even if you ruin a romantic dinner.

KH: When he paused in telling Brienne his accomplishments, I thought he might mention the whorehouse shenanigans. I am glad he did not.

JW: I also get freebies because I am the best at the whorehouse.

KH: Podrick skills: pouring wine, spearing dudes through the back of the head, whoring. This is also Oberyn’s skill set. There is a lot of stabbing people clear through the head from behind on this show.

JW: A coward’s move? The Hound would approve. He likes Arya but his messages are tinged with an inability to do anything but slap.

KH: Arya had some fancy footwork! I forgot how her Italian fencing pal died; obviously she has not. Once she combines all of these skills — fancy dancing, The Hound’s ruthlessness — she’s be unstoppable. The Hound loves teaching lessons to children but his methods are being ironed out.

JW: The Hound is not Education Board approved.

KH: The Hound is like a really discount ‘scared straight’ program. You have a punk kid? This giant lunatic with terrifying facial scars will wander around the countryside with them and teach them life lessons.

JW: I felt that Brienne had a lesson for Podger but as she did not slap anyone I did not know it was a GoT lesson.

KH: What was her lesson?

JW: Skin the rabbit. Make sure you killed someone. That seemed about it.

KH: They didn’t seem that worried about the rabbit, to be honest. Maybe she is a sweets person?

JW: Then she is okay — unless it is cupcakes.

KH: Cupcakes are trash. Be a real piece of cake!

JW: Brienne is better than that.

KH: We all are, Jonny. We all are.

Tune in next week for more musings on the latest episode of Game of Thrones. The show airs Sunday nights at 9 on HBO.

Image courtesy of HBO.

‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: Ser Pounce, King of Westeros

Season 4, Episode 4: Oathkeepers

This week a lot of nothing happened in Westeros and yet the show still laid on the horrors thick. We found out who killed Joffrey; Dany continues her shock and awe campaign; everything north of the Wall is mayhem and brutal. But at least we have Ser Pounce!

Totals this episode:
Deaths: 0
Nudity: too much 
New horrors: infanticide, rape (again, HBO?!), seducing a child

Jonathan White: Well, shit just got nuts.

Kadi Hughes:  The amount of rape on this show is getting to dangerous levels.

JW: Rape should never be pedestrian.

KH: I didn’t like this episode. Nothing really happened. Brann continued to be lame; Dany is studying up on fascist marketing techniques; Sansa is crying. I know that with every season there are a few of these draggy episodes when the chess pieces line up. I guess this was just one of them. Did you think this was a boring episode?

JW: I liked it  because now the books are useless. This just became a TV show and not an adaptation.  Those books are useless to me. They might as well be Brann’s legs. Let’s start with Meereen — Missandei is so hot for No Worm.

KH: They were bonding over their homeland. It was a telling scene. Dany thinks she is safe but she is still just a master. I was actually happy for that scene because I find some of her ‘white liberator’ narrative difficult.

JW: #killallmasters. Meereen is not a bother… for now.

KH: The Dany scenes do offset all the other parts of the show where women are being brutalized.

JW: Dany was colder than a Brooklyn creamery. So dot cold dot net.

KH: Her strategy is on point.

JW: Take that, slavers. Meereen gets props for the cleanest sewers ever.

KH: Everyone there is on a cleanse. The citizens of Meereen are avid readers of Goop. Bronn would never do a cleanse. He’s too cool,  doling out wisdom and slapping people with their own hands.

JW: Bronn is the big brother that Jamie needed. Jamie also came back from being a raper so well and even Cersei was like … oh, you. Jamie getting slapped in his rape face with his rape hand — no one likes that.

KH: True, but besides getting golden slapped — no repercussions for his rape.

JW: None whatsoever.

KH: Instead, Cersei comes off as bitchy because she’s pissed at her brother who rapped her and now just wants to hang out.

JW: Boycott HBO.

KH: If I boycotted HBO then I would have to engage with people. That would be horrible.

JW: Then we have Karl. What a worse man. He was drinking from Mormont’s skull and arranging rape.

KH: The skull drinking was really gross but it did instantly establish him as a crazy villain.

JW: That, being super Aryan and acting like a looooooooooon.

KH: He has total creeper face.  His skin looks like stretched plastic.

JW: He is meant to be from King’s Landing but sounds Northern.

KH: As soon as they get to the Wall, all the recruits go Northern. You know what they say. Once you go Northern…you become a crazy, evil rapist.

JW: Once you take the black, you never go back.

KH: Those twins are screwed. They are both going to be brutalized. The girl because she has curly hair and because it is GoT so something sexually terrible has to happen to all the female characters. The boy because he is pretty and epileptic.

JW: Brann is a shitbag. Brann was my favorite, and now I want him to become a wineskin.

KH: Poor Hodor getting lanced. I teared up that that.

JW: Just remember in real life Hodor is a gay DJ. He’s fine.

KH: I guess it will be satisfying when Jon Snow & the A-Team arrive, unleash those wolves, kill all the rapers.

JW: Snow and the B-Team, at best.

KH: This is really difficult for me to say, but I don’t think that the direwolves are very smart. Ghost is stuck, and Summer is letting Bran the idiot drive him about.

JW: They are very smart but not used to kennels. Kennels make all dogs want a new master and biscuits.

KH: I was glad we found out what exactly happened to the babies. The White Walkers are turning them into Wights, not eating them.

JW: That whole baby shite. FUCK OFF HBO.

KH: Actually, yes fuck off HBO. This episode reached new depths. Let’s just make a list of all the egregious things: lots more rape, drinking out of someone’s skull, having no consequences for raping your sister, seducing children.

JW: Blue eyed cackhandery CGI, wolf bollockry.

KH: Oh, and just some light infanticide.

JW: Moving on. Diana Rigg. Lady Olenna. What a monster. She’s the best player of the GoT.

KH: She hints at her crime to Sansa at the wedding, kills Joffrey with sneaky jewelry, clearly has a magical vagina, and encouraged Margaery to sexually seduce a 10-year-old.

JW: And hates gardens because they are boring. Too much Ser Dontos there, and lemon cakes. The QoT is bored with it all.

KH: It was a good night for Tommen.  Snuggled in for bed, hanging with Ser Pounce (noted badass), and then a hot lady comes in to talk about you owning her.

JW: Ser Pounce. We need more of him. It’s the best name for an animal that should not survive ever. He’s the next king — after Tommen is soiled by the ginger sex panther.

KH: Ser Pounce is playing the long con. You would never expect it!

JW:  SPOILER ALERT. The cat wins.

KH: What else happened this episode? Nothing. Jon Snow teaches idiots how to die.

JW: Roose Bolton’s chap is made welcome as no one knows anything.

KH: Is Bolton’s man just gathering recon or sent to kill Jon Snow?

JW: I was hoping to kill him but now I think he’s just become one of a number of great double acts on this show: Pod and Brienne, Jamie and Bronn, Bronn and Jamie’s Hand.

KH: Bronn goes with everyone.

JW: Littlefinger is becoming more eeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil…and Irish. Not unrelated.

KH: He is! Every episode he sounds more and more lilting.

JW: Broguery with Littlefinger.

KH: I do think that Littlefinger is — of all the characters — the easiest to deal with. You know what he wants — power — and you know he will do anything to get it. He’s a known quantity.

JW: SEXY LF wins again.

KH: Sexy LF always wins. That is the lesson in this show. The shittiest people win. So Dany, Jon, Tyrion — all these people who are angling in some way for the throne or power, the question is, how shitty can you be?

JW: This episode was like Pearl Jam — what was the point?

KH: There was no point. There was no Arya or the Hound. There was no real movement, but also no real emotional payoff. So what do we want to happen next time?

JW: I want Oberyn and Tywin to talk in Pinteresqe non sequiturs for a menacing 20 minutes. I want Tyrion to get a crack at freeing himself.

KH: GoT needs to scale back the sex & sexual violence because it is losing its efficacy.  I am becoming completely desensitized to it.

JW: Craster’s house needs to be burned down.

KH: We’ll probably get to the Eyrie next week for maybe a Stark reunion and some gratuitous breastfeeding. I want some convergence of the different storylines. It’s sad Olenna Tyrell is leaving King’s Landing. It would have been great if she was on the throne.

JW: QoT to rule them all but not sex them first — no matter “how good” at it she is. She is a liar and a boss. But what else will happen? After all the wtf this week, who knows. We need  Clarissa to come and explain it all.

Tune in next week for more musings on the latest episode of Game of Thrones. The show airs Sunday nights at 9 on HBO.

Image of courtesy HBO.

 

‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: Pissing Contest

Season 4, Episode 3: History Lessons

Last week we celebrated the gnarly poisoning of King Joffrey. This week, life was back to an idyllic Eden in the capital with butterflies and kitten kisses. Wait, this is Game of Thrones. Everything is terrible. We have a new king on the throne, new levels of violence and horror and a new meanings to ‘pissing contest.”

Totals this episode:
Deaths: 1 in an honor duel in Meereen + 20? in Wildling attack
Nudity: 5 ladies, 1 male partial
New horrors: Twincest rape. Do we need to go on?

Kadi Hughes: Where to begin?

Jonathan White: Where else but the rapers? We could with the ones at the Wall where every other man is a raper, but probably should begin with the necro-incesto-raper.

KH: I know that Westeros is a brutal place and rape is just another weapon. But there were so many things wrong with that scene.

JW: That is true. It’s reading all of the news ever in a minute. It’s a little much. In just two scenes, that and an actual pissing contest with a neat decapitation and a horse getting shanked.

KH: That pissing contest was ridiculous. RIP,  noble horse. I think that was our first penis shot?

JW: That was the first view from behind of a bellend. I am not ashamed to say I rewound to check if we saw the hairless chap from the orgy’s hickory and was not sure.

KH: Perhaps we need a freeze frame.

JW: Like Tom Cruise in Cocktail. Biggest urban myth of the late ’80s or a look at a famous cock’s famous cock? You decide.

KH: I do think that (with only a few exceptions) they use the violence/horror for a reason.

JW: What is their aim with Cersei and Jaime?

KH: To show that Jamie is a changed person, to remind us that their relationship is gross and horrible, to show how isolated and alone Cersei is and perhaps understand why she acts like she does. She can trust no one, not even her twin brother-baby daddy.

JW: There are many reasons but I hope they have a plan rather than just being well into rape as a TV trope.

KH: “Rape as a TV trope” is a disturbing new trend. This, of course, isn’t the first rape of the series nor do I suspect it will be the last. It’s worth noting how certain rapes are given more weight then others. Oberyn’s sister is raped and killed and he goes on a life quest to kill everyone involved. Jamie’s sister is raped…by him.

JW: Given what has happened with Jamie (and it not going down like that in the books) there are some interesting times ahead.

KH: This could be the beginning of a lot of departures from the books, which will make it exciting to watch for those who have read the books (you) or those who have skimmed the Wikipedia entries (me).

JW: It’s exciting to know what the showrunners’ decision process is and that they are not scared of making changes.

KH: At what point were they sitting around and said, “You know what? We really just need more sexual violence on this show.”

JW: They also ruined it for the book-reading-incest-crowd who must have thought that it was hot and then realized it was terrible. In the books, it does not come across as rape at all and this was far removed from that.

KH: It does help remind us how gross that whole situation is — incest, the rampant inbreeding in Westeros.

JW: It’s not gross in Westeros. Dany was destined to marry her brother; Craster is king of the incest. There are some bad folk.

KH:  It is implied that the Mad King was partially mad because of inbreeding. Or was it lead poisoning?

JW: Iron throne poisoning and being a bit too pedigree.

KH: Rape aside, I did like the crypt scene for setting things up with Tywin and Tommen.

JW: Tywin is worth a show on his own. Tommen seems like a nice lad in the way that anyone who is not Joffrey could get away with anything.

KH: Tommen is a muppet. It’s a battle for his soul between Cersei, Tywin, and Margery.

JW: There was a lot of camp in this episode. Funny looks from Dany.

KH: She is very arch. The eyebrows and ‘bitch, please’ vibe.

JW: But especially Peter Baelish shooting the man made of blancmange.

KH: Littlefinger! I was very happy to see him, that crazy little Irish imp.

JW: They should call him Neverliftsafinger, always wearing a gown and scheming. He can not even be bothered to pull a crossbow unless he has lots of little fingers. He should twirl his moustache when he reveals that he is the master of cunning.

KH: Total diva. I know we should be sad about Ser Dontos but I was very happy to see him get arrowed in the face.

JW: He’s a Ser fashioned in a jelly mould.

KH: I also loved Littlefinger’s villain line: “Gold buys a man silence for a time, death buys it forever.” Then turn on his heel and mince away with giant Sansa. BURN.

JW: His voice is getting madder like it is a pantomime and he’s drunk and he wanted to get sacked anyway.

KH: It’s so breathy and evil.

JW: He should say “darling” more and cackle. Maybe turn off the smoke machine though, even if you are an “evil villain” in a frock.

KH: How involved is he with the brothel? That hairless blonde will-o-wisp is one of his spies, right?

JW: He is very involved. The Red Viper is my new favorite, mostly for wearing trousers in an orgy (an orgy I promised last week, no less). Just in case he has an important meeting. Quite the chap.

KH: Does Oberyn believe Tywin about not knowing about his sister?

JW: I don’t think he believes anything in King’s Landing but he’s shrewd and plays his cards to his bare chest.

KH: His Sand Sister was also fully dressed in that romp. Maybe fully clothed orgies are the trend in Dorne.

JW: That’s a CFNM thing (Clothed Female, Nude Male) but here it’s CDNP — Clothed Dornishmen, Nude Prostitutes. Very niche sex for the fantasy fans. How is this shit on TV?

KH: It seemed a bit tame compared to all the beheadings and cannibalism.

JW: The cannibalism would be more shocking if they were people and not fucking madballs with Norwegian accents.

KH:  Do they eat everyone? Is there no locavore movement? I would think the boy would be the tastiest, a human veal, but I am neither a cannibal nor a Norwegian.

JW: Invasavorism is meant to work the other way — not you invade and eat. These Thenns are awful.

KH: As soon as that rural urchin said, “I love mum’s boiled potatoes!” I thought, Well, you’re dead.

JW: He got dealt with. His son was a bit of a simpering wazzock. He hid in the worst hiding place ever, looking away from everyone.

KH: Arya would have attacked back.

JW: She would have eaten them in a stew.

KH: Happily! When the kid goes to warn the Night’s Watch that enraged me.

JW: Because he skipped there?

KH: No, because those people do nothing! They all just look dirty and cold and completely inefficient.

JW: GRRM based them on the Neighborhood Watch. They have no legal powers. It’s just a community group.

KH: It’s a community group of sex pests who is who you want, to guard you against demon zombies.

JW: Neighborhood Watch for a community on the register.

KH: I get why Sam wants Gilly to not be at Castle Black but seriously, fool, you put her in that whore house? I had no idea what the gender of that thing in the whore house was, the one who was sizing her up, asking if she was a wilding.

JW: I don’t like when people sound like they don’t ordinarily swear, “a FUCKING wildling.” Slow down, you monobrowed brass.

KH: I am not emotionally or psychologically prepared for a Gilly-Sam sex scene. I would like to go on the record about that.

JW: Picture how Ser Dontos was made (it’s also how you make a trifle).

KH: He was hatched from an egg — like, a chicken egg, not a womb egg.

JW: He is like the kid off Dinosaurs. Happy Easter!

KH: The bunny left you a giant egg with an ineffectual grown man inside! I need to talk about something good — let’s move on to the Onion Knight! I very much enjoy his reading lessons and the “kniggit” Monty Python reference. Operation: Esso Gold Boat begins.

JW: They just have mad cash. The Iron Bank is wedged so they can lend to everyone. The Onion Knight is a genius.

KH: He is, an honorable thief. It’s a great gambit. Well done, Onion Knight!

JW: He’s a smart one. Stannis might have reason to be less of a sour prick all the time.

KH: Where is Stannis and why are they always damp? Not even damp, they are soaked through.

JW: Dragonstone. That’s why everyone loves the Fire God and is miserable.

KH: The arthritis must be terrible.

JW: Man, the Onion Knight will get phantom arthritis in his no fingers. Poor man.

KH: I only want good things for the Onion Knight so that means terrible things await him.

JW:  Onion Knight in a pickle, you say?

KH: That’s a new menu item for a GoT themed sandwich shop. Jon Snowcones.

JW: Littlefinger buffet. A bowl of Bronn. It also does fusion — Essos meets Westeros. Salmon Meereen.

KH:  Everything else is just pies. It’s a really high concept place but then they got lazy. Back to the Onion Knight. He’s such a great character because most characters on this show are either smart and assholes (Littlefinger, Tywin, Tyrion) or noble and idiots (Starks, every Northern peasant). Onion Knight is both.

JW: The Onion Knight is one of the most likeable for that reason and the Hound is sort of like a malcontent version.

KH: Arya and the Hound had some good scenes, starting with the Hound’s snot rocket prowess and ending with him giving Arya the ‘teachable moment’ that the way her family sees the world may be noble but wrong.

JW: That was like Don’t Be A Menace To South Central. He loves teaching the kids through life learning and harsh lessons.

KH: Arya is definitely the smartest Stark though — just her ability to roll with it and adapt to the surroundings, playing that farmer for delicious rabbit stew.

JW: She has got smarts. The message in GoT seems to be that only young rich girls who kill motherfuckers are going to be okay. She and Dany are bossing it. Everyone else is getting hard trouble.

KH: Dany is waging a very effective hearts & minds campaign.

JW: She is indeed, lobbing chains at folk. They love that. I also like the message for all blonde girls that everyone likes you  and will fight for you if someone pisses you off — or pisses at you — while you make a silly face. Ex-slavers and ex-slaves alike. Way to make all the blonde girls feel good, HBO.

KH: I want more action from her! Lobbing chains was a nice touch but just light those fools up with your dragons! If HBO has the CGI budget for manacle catapults, then they have it for dragon attacks.

JW: Do dragons only have a set amount of fire? “Shit! It’s run out!”

KH:  I once watched an animated cartoon where Sean Connery played a dragon and their fire did run out — unless they ate limestone, which is why you always find a lot of dragons near limestone. I take that as a scientific fact.

JW: It explains the danger of certain areas of the the UK, where former Bonds lurk and lie to kids.

KH: Never go north of Glasgow. It’s all dragons up there. An aside, as a Brit, do you find this show layered with geographical-socio commentary? The rich and powerful are southern; the northerners are simple, etc.

JW: Yes, mostly on accents. The books are even more so. Posh people are all southern and even the northern lords are unaccustomed to how court works. The books are much worse and I am not sure what the Dornish and Essos suggestions are, likely something worryingly racist. Best not dwell. So let’s move on to Tyrion … not looking good for the clear hero.

KH: He still has some hustle in him. At least he has Pod.

JW: Where did Pod pull out the duck sausage?

KH: He clearly is no stranger to a Dornish orgy.

JW: Or that cathouse owned by Littlefinger.

KH: He is a boy of many talents.

JW: Yes, and so likeable.

KH: The most concerning about that interaction was the news that Bronn is being charged as an accessory. No one puts Bronn in a corner.

JW: Bronn’s going to make more people scream. Shame Tyrion had to be mean to Pod. Now the only man he might see is a one-handed monster who raped his sister.

KH: Tyrion has some moves left. I am not worried about a last minute crafty maneuver, especially since it is a power grab in the capital.

JW: He’s going to benefit from the vacuum?

KH: I think Tyrion and Littlefinger do best in chaos.

JW: Varys has been all too quiet. He should be making some power moves.

KH: The Spider is definitely mixing it up with old Lady Tyrell.

JW: I want someone to tell him to grow a pair and she would.

KH: What’s next? Dany takes more slave cities? Jon Snow goes back north of the Wall to kill the rapist insurgents? We also have a big trial coming up, Law & Order Westeros style.

JW: Let’s hope Oberyn heard “orgy” when Tywin said “trial” and he is straight in. Jon Snow needs to go and kill him some folks but his plan might need to be better than that. Dany is going to cause some terror. She might even drop a dragon on  ’em. We’re going inside Meereen.

KH: I’m glad that Tywin acknowledged Dany this episode. People in King’s Landing need to start getting nervous about Dragon Attacks and White Walkers.

JW: They really ought to but they should just be nervous  — poisoned weddings, boy kings, non-canon rapes, trials, people stealing wine.

KH: Just another day in Westeros.

Tune in next week for more musings on the latest episode of Game of Thrones. The show airs Sunday nights at 9 on HBO.

Image courtesy of HBO.

 

Lit Links: Remembering ‘El Gabo’, 2014 Pulitzer Prize Winners, When Memoirs Go Bad

Celebrating the Conjurer of Literary Magic
The New York Times ran a wonderful obit of Gabriel García Márquez, who passed away on Thursday, reminding us all how Márquez changed the literary landscape. Time to re-read One Hundred Years of Solitude.

The Cost of Spilling Family Secrets Norwegian writer Karl Ove Knausgaard’s six-part, brutally honest autobiographical novel, My Struggle, has turned him into an international literary sensation – and made him an outcast to his friends and family. The New Republic looks at the personal cost of writing the truth.

Catching up on the 2014 Pultizer Prize Winners
Donna Tartt’s The Goldfinch won the 2014 Pulitzer for fiction (well deserved in our opinion).  Longreads compiled pieces from the winners of the other categories – perfect for your weekend reading.

Saint-Exupéry, Saintly Hands, Sainted Innocence
Guernica looks at what inspired the man behindThe Little Prince.

The Disillusionist
Imagine a family like the Downton Abbey clan gone bad. ” Edward St. Aubyn is from a failed aristocratic family, headed by a sexually abusive and tyrannical father. From a bleak childhood, he grew up to be “a raging heroin addict and also a brilliant, corrosive master of Wildean one-liners.” The Atlantic looks at his new novel, Lost for Words, which chronicles his strange and curious life.

Radka Denemarková on translating Herta Müller
Czech novelist, playwright and translator Radka Denemarková on the joys and trials of translating the work of Nobel Prize winner  Herta Müller.