“Between Two Ferns” with Zach Galifianakis and President Barack Obama. POTUS holds his own in the smack-talk department, though Galifianakis takes himself down pretty well. “Be short, fat and smell like Doritos and try to make it in Hollywood.”
Next Time on Escandalo. Jimmy Kimmel gets the stars of Scandal to reimagine their show as a telenovela. Dart guns are involved.
First Look at Andre 3000 as Jimi Hendrix in All Is By My Side. The biopic, written by John Ridley (12 Years a Slave), is making the film festival rounds but doesn’t have a US release date yet. Or the authorization from Hendrix’s notoriously stingy estate to use the guitar god’s music. Details, details.
Joel McHale and Jim Rash Recreate True Detective. I’ll admit, I had to turn the subtitles on more than once while watching TD. There isn’t a “McConaughey Drawl-to-English” option.
Let’s back up for a second. Adam Driver is a fine actor. No, he’s a great actor. So great, in fact, that I’ll watch Girls and sit through Lena Dunham’s whining and Allison Williams’s self-conscious preening, and Zosia Mamet’s … whatever it is she’s doing (did anybody think of casting her in the new Star Wars?) just to catch a glimpse of his nutburger character. I mean, the guy doesn’t seem to own shirts, has a thing for degrading sex, and sells wire-hanger dreamcatchers on Etsy. He’s not from around here. Honestly, anybody doubting that Driver can pull off the menace necessary to be a baddy in a galaxy far, far away hasn’t been watching closely. I’m convinced he eats kittens on set to get into character.
No, my reason for not liking Driver in Star Wars is a lot more juvenile. Like, a lot more juvenile. Okay, here goes: I collect Star Wars action figures. There, I said it. I have for years, and I have three 36-gallon plastic tubs full of three-and-three-quarter–inch poseable Darth Vaders and Luke Skywalkers and Jawas with light-up eyes to prove it. Most of those characters were played by actors who did little else in their careers, so their tiny plastic doppelgangers (yes, they’re still in their packaging, never played with) don’t carry the baggage of a Hollywood resume stuffed with weirdly memorable roles. Sure, I can pretend that my Mace Windu figures yell, “I’ve had it with these motherf*cking Sith in this motherf*cking Jedi temple.” And Han Solo can growl, “I didn’t kill my princess,” or “Get off my Millennium Falcon.” And that’s cool. Okay, “cool” is a relative term here, but I think you get my point.
But if Adam Driver joins the Star Wars universe, they’ll make an action figure of him, and I’ll have to buy it. (Yes, I’ll have to buy it, because I buy them all. It’s a sickness; I’m working on it.) And that’s not good. Because then Adam from Girls will be in my house, tucked away in those plastic tubs, hopefully not too close to my Leia in gold bikini figure, but who knows because I’m starting to run out of room. And then one night, after everyone else is asleep, you just know that the first thing he’ll say to her is, “Crawl on your hands and knees to my sleeping chamber.” And then he’ll unleash his…Force on her. And that should never, ever happen. Not in this galaxy or one far, far away.
Matthew Halverson is a senior editor at Seattle Met magazine and a humor writer. This is the first time he’s ever copped to owning Star Wars action figures. His son is proud.
Age 30? 31? He’s from Canada, so who knows how they do math(s) there.
Day job Star of Comedy Central’s Nathan for You, where Fielder “helps” small businesses realize their full potential. It’s a sort-of Borat Make American Dream!
Fake day job Founder of Dumb Starbucks, a Los Angeles parody coffee shop open for roughly three days before the health board shut it down, serving Dumb Vanilla Lattes and Dumb Grande Caramel Macchiatos that tasted like a mix of hot water and whatever beans the local grocery store Ralphs had on sale.
Future of fake day job As long as Starbucks doesn’t sue for copyright infringement and Fielder doesn’t land in jail for six months (courtesy of the health board), Dumb Starbucks is coming to a corner in Brooklyn near you.