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True Detective Recap: Vaya! Vaya! Peligro!

After a bit of a hiatus (cough cough) our stellar tv recaps are back. We’ve decided to tackle the second season of the much anticipated True Detective. The first season filled us with existential dread, fear, longing and absolute delight! So it was with much excitement that we launched into the second season, full of more – more characters, more human darkness, more crow masks. This week we tackle the first two episodes and discuss what exactly Rachel McAdam’s tried to do in the bedroom, our theories for what type of world we deserv, and Colin Farrell’s rony.

Kadi Hughes: Opening questions: Is Colin Farrell dead?

Jonathan White: He can walk it off. Might lose his muzzy.

KH: It’s rock salt or something. Also it’s HBO. He’s probably just going to get raped. New question: why does Vince Vaughn have the facial proportions of a much smaller man, maybe even a child? Not just in this but like in life in general.

JW: I can’t tell if Vince Vaughan is nailing the difficulties of a career criminal going straight and being uncomfortable in situations he would be less cool with or if he is just being VV and shit at the acting part that is less VV. Someone is getting raped. So many masks.

JW: Masks are to TD what a gun is to Chekov

KH: I refuse to learn the names of these characters. VV is VV, Farrell is Farrell. Tim Riggins is Tim Riggins.

JW: He’s known as hotscarredwhitedude and he does not like blowjobs.

KH: He’s been sexually abused by his mum since childhood. Then went and killed 10.000 kids in the dessert…and now likes to fantasize about rent boys.

JW: Likely. This is California. The numbers don’t add up. David Morse after he let himself go following Treme was super odd.

KH: I like the whole “California is a failed utopia thing.’ David Morse lives at Don Drapers commune. Straight up- it’s shot at the exact same place

JW: Sure, because they are not enough of them in the real California.Who is that alcoholic with a cool Asian aide? I assumed that was an Avi/Lloyd thing.

KH: He’s the mayor.

JW: I know he is the mayor but the other dude seems a little put together to put up with a man drinking from the cocktail shaker.

KH: I’m sure he’s making power plays.

JW: HBO are peddlers of human darkness. The dialogue in this is all vetted by the “you need the bad pussy” chap who officiated the GoT finale after opening a candy bar to get the job. The golden (shower) ticket or some such. Like that bully kid – ASS-PEN.

KH: Nick Pizzolatto is a real piece of work. He is just doing mountains of coke, reading Nietzsche and transcribing the conversations of sophomore philosophy majors. Then throwing in gems like “You really pull off that ecig.” Like wtf is that.

JW: Followed by “like sucking a robot dick.”

KH: My main issues w TD 2 is that there is no levity. No jokes. No Woody Harrelson rolling his eyes.

JW: None…except robot dick. And maybe when Farrell yelled at that shitty kid. The Faddler in good form.

KH: Inspirational. However, Farrell’s accent is slipping. He has a case of the Littlefingers. The more evil they are, the more the Irish comes out.

JW: Apart from the balaclava he is a sap. Brass knuckles and his poor fat ginger son. “Where’s his fucking Lebron fucking shoes.” I ask myself that daily. But the Farrell has a moustache – a ronny, as they are called in Intermission, his finest hour.

KH: It’s a strong look. He’s so tiny. Did I tell you I met him? He was significantly smaller than me. Super soft hands. Like a rabbit’s undercarriage.

JW: I respect soft hands. I have soft hands, despite years of typing on keyboards. Poor Faddler, getting shottied in the moneymakers.

KH: He’ll be fine. VV will save him.

JW: A cup of tea with brown sauce and he will be grand. VV, though. That monologue was terrible and TD’s trying too hard to be sooooooooooo noir.

KH: I left the room to get a snack because I just didn’t care. “I killed a rat.” Honestly, who hasn’t?

JW: What was the punchline? Where is Owen Wilson?

KH: I’ve always said HBO should do more crossovers to help with this. Just throw Larry David into one TD scene.

JW: I feel they do by accident. HBO – Half Baked Oddities.

KH: I really enjoyed when VV just started pretending he was in Swingers, when he spoke to the man in that the car “accident.”

JW: He was just being VV, outside adlibbing. That wasn’t even part of the show. Anyway, hotwhitedude has scars, inside and out. DEEP.

KH: Candle wax from sex w his mom

JW: Possiblebumfun has scars inside

KH: Possiblebumfun is the only one I really care about

JW: I think I love her. She is so troubled and really into knifing men. And has really mixed views on porn. She talks about it a lot then watches fuck out of it like she is in the member’s zone.

KH: Was that her sister do you think?

JW: No, that looked more hardcore than what her sister does. And possiblebumfun is a woman and therefore defined by her sex acts. I did wonder if possiblebumfun offered that square at the beginning, a menage a three peeps but he was superfreaked out.

KH: No, no she did something because he was freaked. Probably just pegged him.

JW: Speaking on behalf of all square white men portrayed on film, I expect it was a pegging because that is all over the TV now.

KH: Pegging is very 2015. But who knows? Maybe she was like, “I want to cuddle.” And he was like “ew. I feel waaaaay too pressured. I thought this was casual.” Maybe bum fun asked him to help her move. Or drive her to the airport.

JW: That would do it. Or pick her up from arrivals.

KH: Or catsit.

JW: I would have gone all Faddler at Aspen for a catsitting. This TD needs Steve Martin or Ron Howard.

KH: I think my original idea of Larry David is sound. Unleash VV. Let him just run his big mouth.

JW: I reckon this season is going the other way to the first, where it was great until the end where – SPOILER ALERT – it got fucking shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Or it might be brilliant. I cannot decide from one minute to the next. I honestly have no idea how we are meant to feel about this shit and there is too much going on and none of it is a thing. Stop setting the scene. It’s like going to dinner and they keep replacing empty plates.

KH: Yeah…we need some plot.

JW: 57 minutes into episode one is where we should have started and the rest should have been a cold open, with Faddler ballied up and shhhing crackheads. They must have spent loads on those sex paintings. If I see them again, my word. Do I need to see a dead man go on a road trip? No one does unless it is to Aruba and he wears a Hawaiian shirt and is a boss. Weekend at Birdhead’s.

KH: I’d watch that. The dialogue is painful. “Help your daughter.” “I just did.” Everything is so overwrought.

JW: It’s like dinner with my parents.

KH: But I did like creepy Rick Springfield and the psych hospital.

JW: Stop going to weird places, TD2. Just go the shops and then the ballgame.

KH: No one does anything that resembles normal human behaviors. Like even Farrell screaming “vaya vaya! peligro!” at those kids.

JW: The most normal thing was a pair of LeBrons that HBO didn’t even actually spring for.

KH: Everything though might just be a red herring at this point. None of this could matter. There is no big conspiracy. We will develop multiple, really complex theories that, in the end, are in no way related to anything. It’s just a pimp.

JW: I think they are red mackerel and we are not even warmed up for herring. Red whales.

KH: The whole thing is a red herring. None of it exists. Last episode will be a studio sitcom about a corn-fed family. Last episode will be the making of that. Last episode is Pizz pitching this to Ari, inside a snow globe.

JW: Which Lloyd is shaking.

KH: Journey plays. Cut to black. Or maybe this show isn’t even actually happening? We are all just collectively imagining it. Time is a flat circle.

JW: I’ll tell you something, Steve Martin is playing 35 in Parenthood. Time very fucking flat.

KH: That cannot be true. I can’t even play 35 and I’m 33!

JW: Me, too. Apart from my hands. My velvet vole hands

KH: Your vole hands are actually Benjamin buttoning. Soon they will be embryonic.

JW: “Sometimes your worst self is your best self.” “I think we get the world we deserve.”

KH: “I think being overdramatic is the same as being insightful.”

JW: “I think exposition is the same as writing a plot.”

KH: Maybe the twist is that the rest of the series is from bird heads perspective. Maybe he takes off the mask and its….Farrell. Double Farrell.

JW: Farrell would not shoot himself in the cock. Think about it.

KH: It’s a new Farrell. He took cockless Farrell’s soul. THAT is the world we deserve. A world with double Farrells.