Season 4, Episode 2: The Lion and the Rose
Season Four is racing forward at breakneck speed: A bit of karmic balance was restored. We caught up with Team Stannis and the Lord of Light, and Brann got a mystical vision from a tree. We celebrated the best wedding ever to take place in Westeros — bridges made from a giant lion’s maw, a pie full of pigeons, oh, and Joffrey the Shit’s face exploded with poison. The future looks rough for Tyrion, but let’s just enjoy this brief, happy moment, shall we? These joyous occasions are so rare in Westeros. LDR is away this week so the ever witty Jonathan White — pop culture expert and publisher of The Cleaver Quarterly — steps in to chat with us about poison, creating a GoT superteam, and Bronn.
Totals this episode:
Nudity: 1/2 (pantsless acrobat at the wedding)
New horrors: the complete glee we felt witnessing a well-deserved death
Kadi Hughes: The Purple Rain Wedding.
Jonathan White: The perils of purple drank. Joffrey is an absolute cretin.
KH: Did you think that it was a satisfying death for Joffrey? I did like how they really ramped up how terrible he was. It was a greatest hits of the worst little shit in Westeros — slashing the book of knowledge with Valerian steel, pouring the wine on Tyrion, the dwarf play.
JW: Launching money at people with more physical prowess than he has ever shown before. Same with the sword. He’s been rubbish at being “manly” throughout but on his big day with the lovely Margaery, he comes strong. And then dies. A lot. Top makeup by the way. Hats off to the makeup department.
KH: He looked like a jellyfish.
JW: He looked like a cartoon rabbit with myxomatosis. Jack Gleeson (who plays Joffrey) is meant to be lovely.
KH: And a poet!
JW: But he’s not. He is an evil boy king who deserves everything he got.
KH: I like to think of GoT as a documentary.
JW: We all should. None of those people exist outside of the TV.
KH: Can we sidetrack about Dorne for a moment? Because I don’t really understand what they are all about. Just hanging out in the desert and having pan-sexual orgies? They are not part of the Seven Kingdoms.
JW: Burning Man but with Spanish exchange students. Dorne seems boss.
KH: That is my personal idea of hell. Send me to the White Walkers over that trash.
JW: I politely disagree. There is a man with gout who SPOILER ALERT loves watching kids in the swimming pool. He sounds like a Bond villain. Lots of strong wine and stronger women and the Martells are obviously named after the cognac.
KH: I do like Ellaria Sand and the Sand sisters. Very good exchange between Oberyn/Ellaria and the Lannisters.
JW: I think there should be more sands and fewer snows, a prequel where it’s summer and there is no winter coming at all. A brief aside: This episode seemed to be written by GRRM — the Red Viper and Ellaria Sand came in and stared at un upturned vagina.
KH: He does write the perviest scenes. That was a great exchange for the way they dismissed Tyrion. Though, in all honesty, if you are going to have an orgy in Westeros, Tyrion should be top of the invite list.
JW: Tyrion had the hardest time of it in this episode, no love at all.
KH: I think this season will be hard for him in general.
JW: I think things might look up at the end.
KH: Pretending you haven’t read the books, who do you think poisoned Joffrey? A lot of red herrings and possibilities thrown about.
JW: There were some Murder She Wrote red herrings in there.
KH: We need Jessica Fletcher!! Poison is a woman’s work.
JW: But there’s a few fey men in King’s Landing.
KH: My money is on Cersei.
JW: Cersei might hate Tyrion enough to frame him.
KH: Her (inbred) son was a monster, she is set to marry the Knight of the Flowers, she is powerless…until she kills Joffrey. With him gone and the little Lannister being underage, she is Queen Regent again.
JW: A great conspiracy theory; I am willing to back it.
KH: I am glad Shae is gone. I am all for porn stars going mainstream but I found that character tedious. But that scene when Tyrion sent her away was straight up Harry and the Hendersons.
JW: Sasha Grey in Entourage — which I know you hate — made a better case for mainstreamification.
KH: Entourage should fill its pockets with rocks and walk into the sea.
JW: Or fight Bronn by the sea. MORE BRONN.
KH: Bronn is a joy to behold in every scene.
JW: He’s the same man in Ripper Street. Jerome Flynn is doing it all.
KH: Of course Bronn is macking all these ladies.
JW: Other men’s ladies and they are screamers. I think he was macking some ladies at the Purple Wedding based on the screams.
KH: I did not like Ser Dontos popping up at the end by Sansa and trying to whisk her away.
JW: He casts a sad figure. He is a ninny.
KH: So of course Sansa will trust him. That girl has the worst judgment. Arya got all the smarts. Sansa, all the ginger.
JW: Arya is my favorite. Arya and the Hound could be a kids’ show.
KH: Teaching you moral lessons and cautionary tales.
JW: “If someone takes your sword what do you do? Did someone say stick them with the pointy end? You got it, kids!” Though you never know what will happen with Sansa. The showrunners deserve mad credit for swerving much of the books.
KH: The books, in my opinion, need a strong edit and that is what the showrunners do.
JW: Agreed. I would go so far as to say that all books in this genre need a strong edit — or an author’s mum kicking them out of the garage and making them get a job.
KH: Except for the original Dragonlance series. Those books are perfection. Let’s talk about Stannis. This is another plot line I can’t really get behind.
JW: Stannis is a miseryguts and rightly so. His wife is a loon and intent on burning everyone. His pal Melisandre has stopped having smoke babies and is intent on burning everyone. His kid is half concrete and looks like someone being Ben from Fantastic Four on Halloween.
KH: He looks constantly constipated. EACH SOME LEAFY GREENS. The Onion Knight is is worth rooting for but it’s an uphill battle caring about the rest of them.
JW: Onion Knight is a true hero, starting back from when he launched a water-based rendition of Stomp! on the Blackwater.
KH: When watching this show, I always want the great characters to find each other and team up — Arya, Tyrion, Dany, Onion Knight, Bronn — like The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen but with more direwolves.
JW: Just get all the best together like the Defenders of the Earth. Melisandre could be great but … she’s a bit of a downer.
KH: She’s a zealot and zealots are dull.
JW: She needs a Gendry to make her warm up again.
KH: Where is Gendry? On the lam or is he dead?
JW: No idea and I have just completed the books. GRRM is a bit like going to a massive party with a cokehead. You meet people he claims are important and never hear of them again.
KH: What is Team Stannis doing? Are they heading North? Just hanging out and lighting things up? Never mind. I really don’t care. Let’s talk about Brann and the creepfest twins.
JW: BRANN IS MY OTHER FAVORITE. I want more Brann.
KH: Really?! He’s kind of a wet blanket. He has magical powers, but just sulks about.
JW: His storyline is so slow but I reckon there is going to be a payoff. He’s magic and has no legs. He needs some dinner and the frogfaced friends are not helping.
KH: At least he uses his direwolf and had that crazy tree vision. The littlest Stark and Osha are no longer with them. Where do we think they are?
JW: They are elsewhere and now that Reek has decided to tell Ramsay that they aren’t dead …
KH: Right…Ramsay is on a spree. However, there is too much time spent on that storyline.
JW: Iwan Rheon is stealing the show! I do like the cuts from Reek to sausages.
KH: Every.single.time. So next week — will we see Littlefinger in the Vale? More cannibal Wildlings?
JW: Those Thenns need to not bother. Boo. Hiss. I predict Daario will be back and little and less will happen on the road to Meereen. Ser Jorah will be all upset.
KH: Pouting and crying in the desert.
JW: I am very willing for the TV show to just start a massive diversion. There is so much pouting and crying everywhere.
KH: But that is Jon Snow’s only skill!
JW: It’s about time we had some more war.
KH: War and winter are coming. Don’t worry.
JW: Everyone has been all over the “war is over” vibe.
KH: Do you think we’ll get to go to Dorne?
JW: I want to go to Dorne. It’s going to be MMFMMFMFMFMFMFMFMFMFMFMF all over the show. The show has been off to a great a frantic start. Keep that up and drop in some nudity. Man can not live by blood alone.
Tune in next week for more musings on the latest episode of Game of Thrones. The show airs Sunday nights at 9 on HBO.
Image of King Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) and Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer) courtesy of HBO.